Page 54 of Love, In Balance

We’ve spoken a few times about what happened and I’m still unsure about reporting it to the police and the university.

I want to prevent this from happening to anyone else, but I’m terrified.

I’m scared that people won’t believe my side of things and that they’ll take his word that it was all consensual.

I can imagine him downplaying it asjust flirting.So it’s a vicious cycle in my mind.

This is the conclusion I keep reaching, so I know that until I’m sure, I need to leave that trail of thought and focus on getting back on my feet. Recovery takes time.

Hell, sometimes it’s a never-ending journey. Mental and physical healing isn’t done instantly, and I’ve realised throughout life to be gentle with myself. I don’t need to rush. When I’m strong enough, I will do the right thing, and in the back of my mind, I know exactly what that means.

I use the weekend to gather my thoughts and have a mental and physical declutter and organisation. I go through my wardrobe and sort out items to sell, things to give to charity and things that will only benefit from seeing the inside of the bin.

I’ve photographed my fancier clothes and put them onto Vinted to sell, and Si has driven the bags of unwanted clothes to our local homeless charity to be reused and re-loved.

I’ve sorted my kitchen and done an order of fresh food, plus I’ve deep cleaned, and I honestly feel brand new.

For me, decluttering my home helps me clear my mind and reorganise those mental boxes.100% recommend.

The next day I aim to go back to campus, but it proves difficult. I wake up and realise it’s harder than I thought it would be. The realisation that I’d have to face both Quin and Pierce in lectures, in the hallways and in general. It hitme harder than I’d anticipated and pushed me back a few steps.

I wrote a lengthy email to Professor Peters and explained that something had taken place over the weekend and that I’d be on campus later than expected. His reply is something I hadn’tquite expected. I had to read it twice.

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re. Return to campus

Callista,

Regarding your email, I must be fair and treat you the way all tutors are expected to with their students. Therefore, the longer you stay away from campus, I will have to consider taking your absences to higher ups. The university does not tolerate prolonged absences, other than in exceptional circumstances. If you wish to discuss this any further, you will need to come onto campus.

Dr Lance T Peters

Head of Engineering

I’m absolutely fuming about this response. I have no idea who has shit in his cereal, but to take it out on me is unacceptable. Not only has he failed to even ask about my circumstances and reasons, but he’s making me feel like I’m burdening him.

I’d understand if this was a common occurrence from me, but I’ve rarely had any time off since I began my journey in higher STEM education almost ten years ago.

I’ve maybe missed a few hours across the span of a term whilst having my prosthetic changed or when having physio, but the majority of the time, I plan it so that my days at Uni aren’t impacted.

I’ve always been a high achiever with perfect punctuality and near perfect attendance, and yet the one time I’ve been through hell and back and in need of some time away, I’m penalised for it.Fucking guy.

Within an hour, I’m dressed, with some war paint on (makeup, to those who need that narrative reworded), and I’m in my car on my way to the university.

His email was the kick up the arse my mind needed, to give me the ‘fuck you’ energy to face my fears and kick some ass. Main character energy right there. That’s what’s getting me through this. Although I do still want to stay in the comfort of my blankets and shed a few tears whilst stuffing my face with Lilah’s vegan treats from Cosy Corner Coffee.

I arrive on campus and head straight to Peters’ office. I knock, and despite not hearing him call out, open the door and walk in.

“Oh, hi Callista. I didn’t expect you back so soon”, he says in greeting.

“Oh, did you not? Because your email wasn’t as understanding as you’re sounding right now. So, I thought I’d come in and discuss this face to face as you required. And before you say anything, I’m here now and I’m planning on staying, despite my internal struggles after the nightmare I had over the weekend. Thanks for asking by the way. So no need for the big discussion about my circumstances. I do however need to be removed from all lectures that Professor Pierce will be attending. That is all I need from you and then I won’t bother you any further”. As soon as I stop talking, I’m in both shock and awe at myself.Yes. Bitch.

He looks up from his desk after examining something on his computer and looks like I’ve just offended him dearly.

“Callista, I don’t appreciate your tone. And whatever has happened between you and Doctor Pierce doesn’t mean I can just dismiss you from classes he’s in. Just because you may have had a little fallout doesn’t warrant you to avoid him in educational settings –.” I interrupt him.

“Oh, Professor, I can assure that a ‘little fallout’ doesn’t quite capture my situation. I would also like to say that regardless ofwhether I’m removed from the classes he attends or not, I willnotbe in them”.

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