Page 45 of Love, In Balance

He looks strained. Tense. He clenches his fists slightly as he looks up at me briefly before speaking.

“Oh, good afternoon Callista. I don’t have much time so could you email me” he says bluntly.

I smile, but he just occupies his hands, and keeps his eyes on his laptop, avoiding making anymore eye contact with mine ormein general.

He’s not joking or playing around, is he?

“Oh. Sure. It’s just about our next study session. Is everything ok? –.” he abruptly interrupts me.

“Yes, just email me I said, and we can sort it out. I’m just very busy right now, Callista”.

Message taken. And he’sfarfrom joking around.

“Right…OkDoctor Russell” I say as I swiftly walk out with my head down, embarrassed.

Cue self-doubt.

He’s regretting it. He’s regretting kissing me. He’s realised there are far better choices than me out there.

Why did I get my hopes up? I’ve done itagainto myself. Thinking he could look past my issues.Fucking idiot.

A tear comes to my eye as I speed walk to my car. Istumble a few times and the pain ebbs and flows in my residual limb. I find that trauma and stress mess with my body immensely. I use the breathing exercises I’ve learnt and safely make it to my car. As I’m getting in, I see Pierce on the walkway, looking over at me smiling. It’s not a genuine smile. It’s the possessive kind. I quickly lock my doors and drive away.

Did someone see what we did?

Has someone said something to Quin? Or maybe he’s been asked out by someone, so needs to stop our little... whatever it was. Maybe he just didn’t want to speak to me in front of other students.

My thought processes on the drive home are dangerous, and I do all I can to stop the tears from clouding my vision. It’s difficult. The dizziness comes in waves, and I’m terrified of crashing. Luckily I’m close to home and occupying my thoughts however I can.

I try to drown out the voices in my head by listening to some Taylor Swift, but honestly, all of her songs are so relevant that they make me want to sing full blast and cry until there’s nothing left to release.

The songs from Folklore keep me company, and now my life truly feels like a movie.Thanks TS.

In very true Taylor Swift fashion, I spend the rest of the night huddled up with Kitty Edith, every blanket I own, endless cups of decaf tea, my current Elsie Silver read, reruns of New Girl, and heaps of my favourite Chinese takeaway food. I deserve it.

I go through everything that happened in my mind over and over, and realise I’m probably just overwhelmed and confused by the sudden change of Quins behaviour.

I do tend to be quite sensitive to other peoples energy.

I put all this panic down to my struggles with regulating my emotions. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve taken something from a situation and massively blown it out of proportion. The nervous energy dissipates slightly at the thought of this whole thing just being in my mind.

I hope it’s that anyway.

I decide to try and put my mind at ease by reaching out to Quin. Coming to a logical mindset helps hugely when I’m spiralling.I’m also not at all passive aggressive. If there’s a problem, let’s talk and sort it out.

Lista:Hey, you seemed off during and after the lecture. I hope you’re ok. I’m here if you need me. Are you still on for our study session this week? x

It takes around 10 minutes for his reply. My stomach twists and turns as I open up the message, desperately hoping for an explanation that will help make sense of things.

Quin:I’m fine. Hope you’re ok. Friday should be ok for the session, after lectures. We’ll keep them at Cosy Corner Coffee.

I shouldn’t have done what I did with you, so let’s just keep this formal and professional from now on. I’m sorry Lista, I really am.

Ok… So, maybe it’s not just my difficulties in regulating my emotions.. Has something happened? Does someone know about us?... Or it’s plainly obvious; He’s regretting what happened because it’sme. Silly silly me, thinking hewas different. Guys always seem to change their mind when it’s to do with me.

My chest constricts and I type out my reply through clouded vision from the tears in my eyes.

Lista:Oh. Ok. Thanks. That’s fine. I get it. I won’t bother you now. I know you’re busy. Sorry for taking up your time.

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