Page 38 of Losing his Daddy

I needed whiskey stat.

It was the only thing that could blur it all, the only aid I had in a world I thought would help me forget. I just needed one drink. Or maybe two. Anything to get rid of this feeling.

My vision swam. I could taste the phantom sensation of liquor moving down my throat. It was like I was already half a bottle in, the burn long gone thanks to my tolerance build up.

I ripped off the clothes I’d managed to put on my body as I crawled toward the bedroom. Mentally, I sorted through my self-soothing techniques from the plan Sunny Shades guided me through.

Walking? Impossible at the moment.

Meditating? Again, a no. I had no patience for it.

Journaling? What were words? I couldn’t imagine finding them for this feeling.

Breathing exercises? I had no hope of making it through an eight count of those.

That left calling someone I trusted. While my phone had a few numbers I could call for help, there was one I longed to call more than anything. One voice I ached to hear, even if I knew it would send me spiraling.

I was in the bedroom and clutching my phone to my ear before I thought better of it. The numbers were ones I knew by heart. Ones I’d sworn never to dial again.

Pressing each one felt like the strongest shot of whiskey. The dial tone was the burn I longed for. It rang endlessly. No one was on the other end. There hadn’t been for a long fucking time.

“Hello?”

It took me a second to register the gruff voice on the other end of the line. I let out the breath in my lungs in a rush of air so loud I knew there was no pretending I wasn’t on the other end.

“Anyone there? Or are you just a mouth breathing perv?”

“Who is this?” I didn’t stop to think through the implications of such a question. I’d called the number. I knew who it belonged to. Rather, I knew who it used to belong to.

The man scoffed. “Who the fuck is this? You called me, asshole. I’m not sure who you were looking for, but this ain’t how you find them.”

“How long have you had this number?”

I avoided his questions in favor of asking my own. I needed to know. Needed to understand how long it had been.

“A couple months. Why? Were you looking for the last person? Well, shit. That sucks. I don’t know who it was. Sorry, dude.” If I’d been paying close enough attention to him, I’d have fully heard the regret lacing his voice. Instead, I only heard a whooshing noise flood my ears.

I dropped the phone to the floor, then face planted beside it. Carpet greeted me, the softness a blessing given I hadn’t attempted to protect myself. There would probably be a bruise there when I finally found the strength to get up.

If I found the strength.

Distantly, I could hear the man asking if I was ok. He likely heard the clatter of the phone or maybe the thump of my body. It didn’t much matter. It wasn’t like he knew who I was or how he’d just torn my world apart.

My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes. I hated them. I hated crying. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I thought I’d poured enough of myself out to keep them away. How could I possibly have more of them? How was there anything left in me to feel about this man?

Every inch of me felt heavy, like I was weighed down by an invisible force. I couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want to. Let it drag me under. Let the pain tear me apart. I deserved it.

No one would miss me anyway. It wasn’t like I had anyone left. The ranch had likely replaced my role now that I wasn’t around. There was always another hand around. And I didn’t have any family to call upon. The only person who might feel my absence was Weston.

Truly, I wasn’t sure he would notice me much outside of the missed meals.

For some reason, that thought jolted my brain hard enough to move from the prone position I’d taken up on the floor. I reached over to the abandoned phone, then dragged it closer. Tilting it sideways, I went about opening the ordering app I used for his food. I ordered his lunch and dinner, both with instructions to deliver at his normal time.

There was nothing left once my two main tasks were completed. I let the phone fall as I closed my eyes. A sob tore from deep in my soul. The ache was familiar, like an old foe I’d yet to conquer. It wasn’t going to leave until I purged every ounce of energy I had left.

I couldn’t have told you how long I laid on the floor. It had to have been hours given the way the daylight shining through thewindows faded away into night. Despite my body begging me to shift, I couldn’t. My muscles absolutely refused to work. There was no point in trying.

At some point, I heard the distinct sound of the front door opening. Then there was the echo of steps moving through the house and the call of my name.

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