Page 46 of In the Dust

I slide in beside him on the bench, and for a moment we stare at her art easel together.

An unfinished canvas that will never be touched by her brushes again.

A million scenes that will forever be left unsaid.

My fingers curl around the edge of the bench. “I went to the pond this morning.”

“Did ya?” He nods slowly. “How was it?”

“It was hard.” I swallow back a sob. “Good, but hard. I figured it was finally time I saw her.”

“Always is,” he replies. “Just because she’s gone from this world doesn’t mean she’s gone from us. She lives within you, my sweet girl.” He looks around the quaint studio. “She’s a part of this room.”

Tears begin to well in my eyes again. “I know.”

“You are so much like her. You have no idea.” He places his hand on top of mine. “You don’t just have her eyes; you have her talent for painting. Her passion for animals. Her love for the farm.”

Used to, I think to myself. “It’s not the same anymore.” I nod my head towards the shelves of colored tubes. “Painting was our thing. Now it’s a painful reminder that she’s gone.”

“I know, honey, but it’s okay to move on.”

A guilty feeling rises in my throat. “I can’t.” It feels like a betrayal.

“You can, Dixie. I did. I had to or else I would've died from a broken heart.” He takes a deep breath. “Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It means allowing yourself to try and heal. It will always be hard; you can’t help that. But you have to bask in the happy memories, the good moments.”

He’s right. I need to accept the fact that we did everything we could. That no matter how hard I wish upon a star, she’s not coming back. She wouldn’t want me to be miserable. I was able to start mending things with Colton, so why couldn’t I allow myself to start healing from her death?

I need to stop running from my past and face my fears.

“Maybe one day I’ll be able to paint again. Right now, it’s just too painful.”

“I have no doubt you’ll start again. Sooner rather than later,” he muses. “But it isn't just about picking up that brush.” He cocks his head towards me, giving me a knowing look. “You need to start living again. It’s hard, but you have to face the pain, baby. It’s the only way to get through it.”

I let out a sigh. “Without limits,” I mumble.

“That’s right, my sweet girl. Without limits.”

We sit for a few silent moments before I change the subject.

“How are you?” I turn my body towards him. “We haven’t really had a chance to talk about your accident since I’ve been home.”

He clears his throat. “Oh, I’m okay.” He moves his arm around. “I promise it’s nothing you need to worry about right now. I’ll be in tip-top shape in no time.”

I let out a light giggle. He never takes anything serious. I can’t help but worry about him; he’s getting older. “I’m sure you will.”

“Thank you for coming to help. I knew it’d be hard for you, but I appreciate you.”

“Anything for you, Grandpa.” My mind wanders back to the bronze-skinned man still in my bed. “It hasn’t been too bad, coming home.”

He gives me a knowing smile. “Well, we should probably head back inside. We’ve got a busy day ahead of us.” He goes to stand, letting out a low groan.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m old, Dixie.”

I laugh. “Okay, okay.”

“I’ll start the coffee,” he says over his shoulder as he walks towards the door. “Today is going to be a long one.”

I close my eyes.

Harvesting.

Damnit, how could I forget?

Colton Payne, that’s how.

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