Page 45 of In the Dust

I’ll always be able to remember.

Her warm, freckled skin, her gentle honey-brown eyes that crinkled at the corners from years of laughter. Her wild, curly hair that she would always tame with a long braid. I’ll never forget. How could I? She was an angel of a human and the best mom in the world.

“I had big dreams for this town, for us. But that all ended the night you left.”

A small, sad sound escapes my chest.

“I know I made comments about leaving one day, but I wanted to be close to you. The real plan wasn’t to leave, but I couldn’t stay somewhere that constantly reminded me of you. This place haunted me. It still does.”

It’s all overwhelming, the anger, the regret, the blame, the loss.

“I don’t know how to move on.” She wouldn’t be happy with what I’m about to say next. “I haven’t even been able to paint.”

I cover my face with both of my hands to hide my emotions.

“Why did this have to happen? It’s not fair.” We should’ve done more. The tears start to steadily fall down my cheeks.

I know there was nothing more we could do but keep her comfortable. I cursed the heavens. I cursed myself.

“I had to leave, Mama. I couldn’t be reminded daily of your death. I saw it everywhere.” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

“I needed you. I still need you.” I let out another sigh. “I’m so lost.” I just need her guidance.

I stand up, brushing the back of my pants.

I press my fingers to my lips, kissing them. Reaching for the headstone, I pat my mother’s name.

Opal Marie Norwood

1963-2018

Beloved Daughter, Wife, and Mother

“Dream without fear.

Love without limits.”

Without limits.

Okay, Mom. I hear you.

* * *

I findmyself back at my mom’s studio, and I’m not really sure why. Maybe I just need a few more minutes with her, in a space that made her so damn happy. I open the door and step inside, leaving my back to the open room.

Wait, didn’t I lock this?

My body whips around when I hear a shuffle in the corner of the small space.

“Holy shit!” I gasp. “You scared me!”

Grandpa lets out a laugh. “Sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to.”

“I wasn’t expecting anyone to be in here.”

“It’s easier for me to get here than it is to the pond,” he points out. “I feel her more here anyways.”

I nod in agreement. Me too.

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