I finda black journal inside a backpack tucked away behind his bed. I hold it up to the window so I can get a little light from the street and there it is – proof he’s the man I’m looking for. It’s hard to feel anything but numb, even if I feel obliged towards some type of pleasure.

I guess I’m not a natural serial killer. I feel I have to do it for Zayna and beyond that, there isn’t much emotion that comes from a kill. The only pleasure I ever need sits right between that woman’s thighs. And right now… I don’t even know if those thighs still belong to me. That pulse of rage might be the only thing emotional about this kill.

I’m angry that I might lose her. I’m even angrier that I allowed myself to fall in love with her… to open up my heart. I’ll still have Eden. I know I can put my daughter first once I get back. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever change my mind. After Zayna, there can’t be anyone else. I can’t put my heart through believing in love, losing that belief, and feeling so fucking desperate to get it back.

It makes me too soft. I have to kill to work that out of my body. To get some sense that I’m still strong. Still powerful, even if I love her.

The first bootsare loud on the vinyl flooring as the drunk bastards howl with laughter and make crude, nonsensical jokes.Most of them are locals. Alaskans have a distinct accent that’s a little bit country and a little Canadian. You recognize it once you hear it, although you might not understand any of the words out of their mouth.

I slidefrom my crouched position on the floor to underneath Grant’s bed. Zayna isn’t here, so I feel no need to make this clean. This is my last kill and I need it to feel something. I need it to feel in control of who the fuck I am…

I stay pressedto the floor beneath his bed for forty-five minutes before he walks into the room – suspecting nothing. He sighs and mutters the word, “Fuck,” under his breath. He doesn’t know half of it. I slip my knife out of my boot. It’s an old knife that belonged to Doc and I forget all the words he said, but I know it’s real fancy and can cut through a tough hide like butter.

My hand juts out. I grab Grant’s ankle. He screams, but he only manages one before I have him on the ground, pressed beneath me with my knife against his neck.

“Zayna says hello,”I whisper. “And that she’s sorry she couldn’t be here to watch what I’m going to carve into your goddamn chest.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Zayna

I’m only listening to Gideon because he’s bigger than me and Tamiya, and he has a weapon, and we both agree that if anyone in this house is staying tied up for days, it won’t be the two of us. Gideon made himself clear. Curtis isn’t making it easy on himself. Gideon has him in the shed so the screaming doesn’t wake Eden. He’s been there forfive dayswhile we decide what to do with him. Every day, Gideon gives him the choice – to get cut loose and disappear, never to return again.

Every day, he says no. But on day five? Tamiya gets suspicious.

“That man isn’t here for love,” she says over our morning coffee together. “He’s broke.”

“Is that a theory or a fact?”

“I mean… it’s a solid theory. I didn’t bother checking his credit. Stalking his social media was way too much information.”

“Okay. So he’s broke. Why would he think I can help?”

“That’s a good question…” she says. “Where is Gideon?”

“Taking the dog out.”

“Again?” she says, shrugging it off immediately. “Okay. I don’t have trustworthy Wi-Fi out here and we need to use a VPN, so I’ll text my business partner about running a credit check.”

“...And see if he has any active warrants.”

Tamiya raises an eyebrow. “That guy? No offense, Zayna but… he’s a bit of a dweeb.”

I haven’t heard the word dweeb since MTV Cribs last aired a new episode. Possibly even a decade before that. Tamiya clearly stands by her opinion and it’s not worth arguing over. Who among us hasn’t given the doofus a chance? I’ve been a new woman for years. This is Ruger’s fault for dragging out my cringiest ex-boyfriend.

“We should let him go. It doesn’t matter if he protests. He has a better chance of survival out there in the woods.”

“There are bears out there,” Tamiya says. “Would you really choose a bear over a man if you were stuck in the woods?”

“We are talking about Ruger. Who you know personally.”

“Fair point. But Gideon doesn’t want him doing anything to hurt the family. That includes you.”

I could feel good about being included if I wasn’t scared out of my fucking mind over Ruger coming back and what he might do.Might!?This is clearly his plan. If it’s not some fucked up test of loyalty.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what hewantsme to do.”

“What do you want?”