1
Phoenix
Lost. Confused. Heartbroken. Those are the emotions I'm battling now.
Do you know where you belong? Where you're going? I thought I did. Never in my life had I questioned that.
Until now.
I used to think my life would always be simple, uncomplicated, predictable. I thought I'd live out my days in my hometown with my small group of friends, my mom, and my sister. One day, I'd finish school, get a job, and settle down with a good guy. Until then, life was good. I was content.
Sure, nothing overly exciting tended to happen—some would even call that boring—but that was okay. I liked things the way they were.
Then, Mom got sick, and my world turned upside down.
She was always there for my sister, Raven, and me. She was the glue that held us together. She had to be since our father wasn't around. He bolted before Mom found out she was pregnant with us and didn't look back. She never mentioned him much except to tell us he'd made his choice, and it wasn't her. He got what he wanted and rode off into the sunset, leaving Mom brokenhearted and pregnant with twins.
One night, when things had taken a turn for the worse, Mom told us she wanted to tell us something important. Raven and I sat by her bedside as she told us a story—hers and our dad's. Mom told us it was hard to talk about him, that he was the love of her life, even though he'd broken her heart.
Elias West blew in one day out of nowhere on his Harley and knocked the breath right out of her chest. He was heading to Arizona to start a new life when fate landed him outside her door. The life he was running from was unbearable, and he had to get away while he could. So he ran until his fuel tank dried up, sooner than he'd expected and far from the nearest fuel station.
He was cursing the world when she appeared, fiery red hair blowing in the breeze. She helped him get to a gas station and watched him as his bike disappeared over the horizon. She thought that would be the last she'd see of the handsome stranger. Only minutes later, he returned, telling her his plan had changed. The universe had sent him an angel straight from his wildest dreams, and he couldn't leave without knowing more about her.
They fell in love in the short time they knew each other. Mom said he made her feel alive for the first time. He made her dream of leaving her hometown one day and starting a new life with him anywhere his bike would take them. He told her he'd lost all hope in the world until that fateful day the universe delivered him right to her feet.
The glow in her eyes as she told us the story was unmistakable yet surprising. Growing up, she always made it seem like our father never cared, that he didn't want her or a family, so he left. It always sounded like he was no good—a useless man who'd used her up and spit her out when things got too heavy.
The way she talked about him on her deathbed was so different. Until then, I never felt like anything was missing in my life, but once I knew the truth, it planted a seed of curiosity in me. One that grew as the days went by.
Our whole lives, Raven and I thought our father didn't want a family, so he split the first chance he got. We didn't know about his passionate love affair with Mom or the joy they shared. All we knew for so long was that Elias left and never looked back.
When we were born, Mom hoped he would return one day and see he'd created something beautiful. But as the years passed, she realized he wasn't returning. Mom knew she was on her own. It broke her heart so deeply that she locked it away and never gave it to another man.
When we started getting older and asking questions, Mom told us Elias didn't want a family. His lifestylewouldn't allow it. I'm still not sure why that is, but Rae always took Mom's words to heart. Even after we heard their story and saw how in love Mom still was with the man, Raven wanted nothing to do with him.
When Mom lost her battle with cancer, I felt lost. I wanted nothing more than to reverse time and have her here with us, but that would never happen. She was gone, and with her, a massive piece of myself was too.
Weeks passed, months even, and I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing in my life, and it wasn't just Mom. After learning about my father, I couldn't help but wonder if she was right. Did he never want a life with her—a family? Or was he scared?
Maybe she was wrong, and he'd spent years working up the courage to return to her. Perhaps he still thought of her to this day.
It broke my heart to think of the possibilities, especially after Mom shared their story with us. They loved each other deeply, the way you only see in movies or read about in books. I've never seen anything like it in real life, but that kind of love does exist. It did for my mom once upon a time.
After she died, I couldn't shake this nagging feeling inside me that yearned to know more. More about my father. More about his history with my mom. More about where I came from—whoI came from. The burning curiosity wouldn't go away. I had to find answers, or I'd always wonder about the man who'd shaken up my mother's life so completely, then vanished into thin air.
I keep telling myself that's why I'm doing this—driving from Albuquerque to Phoenix—I'm doing it for my mom. It's only to tell the once love of her life that she's gone, that she loved him until the very end. Nothing more.
I know it isn't true. A large part of me needs to see the man who helped give life to two very different young women. To see where we came from.
I always took after Mom in everything. I got her looks, temperament, and way with words and people. Raven took after our father in those departments, or so Mom told us toward the end. She's got dark hair, a love of tattoos, and a huge attitude. All inherited from the man himself.
I need to see for myself if he's the kind of man who would never want a family—never wantus. That's still what Raven believes, but I'm not convinced. After Mom passed, Rae told me not to go looking for the "Jerk who up and left Mom alone and knocked up." She said it would only worsen the heartbreak. It would be like losing another parent all over again.
Even so, I need to do this. I have to find out if it's true.
Maybe he'll welcome me with open arms and tell me how happy he is to meet me. I'll never know unless I try. Raven may kill me for this, but it's something I have to do. I can't go the rest of my life without knowing. I need to know where the other part of me came from, even if she doesn't.
Elias West meant more to our mother than we ever knew, and I need to understand why. Maybe then all this turmoil inside me will finally be put to rest.