Page 41 of Mr. Broody

She doesn’t say anything, still waiting for an explanation.

“Bodhi’s adoption was almost finalized, and I’d just gotten traded back to Chicago, which threw a bit of a wrench into my plans. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come back to Chicago after the years the town turned on me. I guess for you to understand, we have to go back to before that night.”

“You know what? Forget it.” She slides her hands from mine and stands, but I grab her wrist before she reaches the door.

She doesn’t turn around, and I watch her back rise and fall with a deep breath. We have to address the pain I inflicted on both of us the day I let her go. “Please. We can’t keep pushing it away.”

Circling around, she lets me guide her back to the edge of the bed.

“After I let you go, I thought hockey would distract me. I’d reached my goal, made it into the league. But it wasn’t enough, not without you there. I lost my passion. Lost focus. I stalked you on socials like it was my goddamn job. I was a fucking mess.” Remembering those years makes me realize the power Jade had over me, probably still has over me. “I wanted to say fuck it so many times and buy a one-way plane ticket to find you.”

“I wish you had,” she whispers.

A big part of me feels a massive amount of relief at hearing her say it.

“But all the work, all the sweat and sacrifices I, and other people like Reed and my grandparents, made to get me there stopped me from running to you and telling you I’d made a mistake. That, and knowing you needed the space but would never ask for. So, I stayed where I was when enjoying it was futile without you by my side. I went to a sports psychologist who said that I was self-sabotaging. Even to this day, I’m not sure I believe him.” I look at her and wait for her gaze to float up from her hands and meet mine. “I just missed you. Plain and simple. I lost the love of my life. Actually… I gave her up willingly, which somehow felt worse because I was the one who sent her packing.”

A soft smile creases her lips. “Not for nothing. I promise you, Henry. You saved me. You might have saved us both.”

My eyes squeeze shut. Those first years without her were the hardest. I hope what she’s saying is the truth.

“The two other times we hooked up when you came home from abroad, I fell into a depression for a few months afterward. I’d second-guess all my decisions. I’d want to chase after you, then reprimand myself for not appreciating what I had. Other guys worked tirelessly to get to where I was, and there I was, wanting to give up my opportunity. I had no idea whether you still wanted to be with me, but I couldn’t tell you. I’d never ask you to give up your own dreams to sit idly by and watch me live out my own.”

She nods with a sad sort of smile. “I understand. It was always hard to find my footing again without you as my safety net after I left.”

I hope she understands I did what I had to do back then, but I think it’s time for both of us to let go of the past and move on. “I wasn’t going to come to your grandma’s funeral. That’s why I was late. I flew into town the night before and stayed in my hotel room. I didn’t tell my grandparents I was home. I didn’t tell Reed I was practically down the street when he called that night to ask about the trade news. For the first time in five years, I felt like my life path was making sense. I’d found where I belonged again. And I knew the power you had over me. The power of us together had over me.

The longer I sat in the hotel room, the more I convinced myself I wasn’t that guy. I’d promised you a long time ago that you could always depend on me to be there when you needed me. And I knew I’d probably broken that promise while you had lived a life far away. A life I only witnessed through pictures. And when I saw you at the top of the stairs of the church…” I cringe. “Fuck, Jade, I knew right then the damage I’d done by choosing to come. I knew I’d console you. I knew I’d hold you. I knew that I would follow you to your hotel room, and we’d connect again. What I didn’t know was that I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.”

“Why?” she whispers, but I sense she already knows the answer.

“Bodhi. I was adopting him to give him a second chance at life, and I couldn’t fail him. I couldn’t let him come into my home and have me be a mess. That’s not to say that I wasn’t upset. That just those hours with you didn’t affect me, but had I slept with you and spent the night with you, I’m not sure the man I would have woken up as.”

A tear trickles down her cheek, but she nods. “Why didn’t you just tell me that night?”

I turn her toward me, running my thumb along her cheek, catching her tears. “It took everything in me to walk out. I had to get out of the pull of our orbit. And I’m profoundly sorry I hurt you. The willpower that I pride myself on crumbles when you’re near, Jade. And I had to choose Bodhi. He had to come first in that moment, and I had to push my own desires away. I wasn’t going to tell you that the day you buried your grandma.”

More tears run down her cheeks. It’s crushing to have to tell the woman you’ve always loved that she’s second now. She was always my number one, the one constant, the one I lusted over, loved, but when I decided to become a father to Bodhi, I made a promise to him that I would always be the best version of myself. That I’d be the dad he deserved.

“I understand.” She nods. “Thank you for telling me.”

Unwrapping her hands from mine, she stands and walks toward the door. I don’t want her to leave, but I’m not sure what to say or do in this moment. So I stand and follow her. I watch her pick up her coat, shrug each arm into it, and zip it up. She steals a glance at the family room where Bodhi’s toys are neatly organized in bins. It represents a part of my life she’s never known.

“You’ve done really well, Henry.” Her eyes glisten, and every part of me aches to take the pain away from her. I want to make it better for her, but that’s not my job right now.

“Thanks.”

She nods and walks to the door, picking up the piece of mail and dropping it on the floor. “I just feel like I should leave my mark.”

Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes, and she opens the door, shutting it behind her when she leaves. I stare at the piece of mail and run my hand down my face while I blow out a breath, wondering if the need to go after her will ever stop.

Maybe one day there will be a reset button for us.

Eighteen

Jade

My mom can finally lift her head, but she still can’t drive or do much else, so we’re just hanging out in the living room. She’s reading, and I’m pretending to watch a show, but really, I’m processing everything Henry told me.

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