Page 140 of Mr. Broody

“He didn’t even answer my text,” I say, showing her my phone that’s been glued to my hand.

“Stop it. You’ve been putting too much pressure on yourself.”

“No, I haven’t,” I say.

She raises her eyebrows.

“I’m not like you. I’m not a mom.”

“No, you’re not,” she says, leaning back in her chair.

“Gee, thanks.”

“I didn’t say you can’t be one, but you’re not one. You aren’t married to Henry yet. You didn’t adopt Bodhi. No one wakes up one day and is a fully capable mom. Plus, just so you know, when you have a baby, the maternal instincts don’t just click on like they’ve been dormant until the moment the baby comes out.”

“But you do everything perfect.” My shoulders slump.

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Perfect? You just don’t remember because kids are resilient.”

On my fingers, I tick off all the things she’s amazing at. “You’re a schedule keeper, you made me eat my vegetables, I never missed a party or was late anywhere?—”

“You’re delusional.”

“Gee thanks.”

She leans forward and takes my hands. “You want to know what Bodhi’s going to remember about breaking his arm?”

I cringe. “The pain. The surgery. The fact that I should’ve been protecting him.”

She laughs. “No. He’s going to remember that he was playing a fun game with you, and he’s going to remember the ambulance ride and the way the medical staff fawned over him. He’s going to remember you holding his hand, and he’s going to remember all the ‘get well’ balloons and gifts he’s going to get while he’s recovering. He’s not going to remember the pain of breaking it or the discomfort of the recovery because you and Henry are going to spoil him rotten out of guilt.”

“So I should feel guilty?” I ask, my knee bouncing. I wish Henry could just be here.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty for playing a fun game and having an accident happen. He’s a kid, and just because you’re not a weathered mother doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Some days you might have caught him, and others turn out like this. Raising kids is hard, and the guilt a parent feels is a real thing. You’ll always question if you did right or if you made the right call. And it doesn’t matter how old your children are. Even now, I feel like I’m giving you good advice, but I might be home later in bed and think I shouldn’t have said this or that… it’s a curse. But I think it’s what makes a good parent. It shows you really care.” She shrugs.

“But…”

“No. There are no buts, Jade. The mother in me that you remember are times when you were really happy or extremely sad. You remember me taking you away from your dad and leaving Los Angeles because it made you sad. But I bet you also remember walking to school with me, us baking cookies on the first cold fall day, or me taking you to get fast food. I moved here to help my mom, yes, but also because I needed my mom’s help. It’s hard to do it all on your own. You don’t remember me running your permission slip to the school because they wouldn’t let you get on the bus for the field trip because I forgot. I could write a hundred pages front and back with the mistakes I’ve made or the times I didn’t have it all together. No mom ever has it all together. They might pretend they do, but I can assure you, they don’t. We’re all just doing our best.”

“Do you think… I know I’m not… but could I be a good mom?”

She smiles and squeezes my hands. “Motherhood isn’t about planning and making sure they eat their vegetables. It’s about protection and strength and love. You need to protect the child from harm, have the strength to let them fail and learn the lessons, and love them unconditionally. Trust that they’ll fall but help them pick themselves up. I know you’ll be a loving and caring mother. And I’m pretty sure that little boy already knows that, and that’s why he’s picked you.”

Tears fall down my cheeks. “I really love him. Both of them.”

“I know, bug. I know. And they love you.”

“Henry is going to be mad,” I whisper.

She laughs. “Oh no, he’s not. Jade, you’ve held that boy’s heart forever. He’s not going to be mad at you. He’s just a scared dad right now trying to get home to his son and the woman he loves. I guarantee he’s just as worried about you as he is Bodhi.”

I suck in a breath. “Why?”

She stares at me for a beat, and for a moment, I wonder if she’s going to continue. “I think he’s still scared that his life is too crazy. His schedule, having Bodhi. Henry’s always been guilty of worrying about everyone else first. My guess is that he probably thinks that what happened might have freaked you out. Which it did. But now is when you show him that you’re ready and not going anywhere.”

When I don’t say anything, she leans in. “And you are, Jade. You’re ready to take this step. Everyone needs a little reassurance sometimes. Show him that you’re signing up to be his person, someone who stands by his side and makes sure he’s okay.”

“How do I do that though? I’ve been telling him over and over.”

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