Page 27 of Elusive Embrace

My eyes flit brieflyto my watch. My one-hour session with Jackie is almost over so if I want to ask her it has to be now or I’ll miss another chance.

I’m so grateful for everything she’s done for me. Without her and Matt I would never have made it through the trial. It took longer than I thought it would because Al’s cunning solicitor tried to delay proceedings and was picking on technicalities. In the end it all didn’t help and he was sentenced to four years in prison.

I would be lying if I said that I’m not scared about when he gets out but I really hope that some time in prison will show him what he can expect should he violate the non-molestation order again.

I stayed at Greenview Manor until the summer when the building work started then I found a small studio flat in the centre of Fellside. Life has returned back to a routine, but Matt is part of the new routine.

True to his word, he let me heal. We meet every weekend and he takes me on hikes, we go to the cinema or he finds unique places for us to have a picnic. One time he convinced a mate of his to let us have a picnic in the local library after opening hours. I read bits of my favourite book to him and he fed me some delicious lentil pie thingy that he had invented.

We sat on the shore of Lake Windermere during the summer watching the world go by. As long as I’m with him, Matt doesn’t seem to think doing nothing together is a waste of time.

He’s made me laugh, he’s made me feel safe and he’s made me feel happy again. And if I ever have a nightmare, I call him and he always answers, regardless of what time it is.

But he never came into my flat or invited me back to his house. Being in a house together is too much temptation. We are strictly friends even if I sometimes catch a certain look in his eyes. I know I’m not the only one who wants more. I want him to be my best friend but I also want him to be my lover, the person I give my whole self to. The person I trust with my life and with my soul.

“Natalie you seem distracted today,” Jackie brings me back to the room.

“Sorry! I… I just have to ask you something,” I say nervously.

“Sure. Don’t hold back.” She gives me a kind smile.

“I… when do you think I will be ready to date again?”

“Do you think you’re ready?” She does this. She will turn things back on me. I wish just for once she would say that as of this moment right now I can date or something.

“I think so. I mean, I don’t want to date just anyone. I—”

“You have someone in mind?” There is a knowing smile on her face.

“Matt,” I say quickly.

“And what makes you feel like that?”

“I… I trust him. I feel safe with him. I… he’s my best friend but I want more. I miss physical closeness with him. I miss just lyingin his arms. He makes me feel butterflies and he makes me feel giddy. I just want more and I want to see if we can make it work this time,” I sigh.

“What if it doesn’t work out again?” Her face is neutral and I don’t know if she is preparing me for a no or testing me.

“At least I’ll know. When we got divorced he didn’t want to get divorced but he agreed because I asked for it. I know that whatever happens he will respect my decision. If I want to guarantee that I avoid heartbreak I’ll have to stay single forever and I don’t want that.”

“Sounds to me like you think you’re ready to date Matt,” she smiles. “Natalie you don’t need my permission. I just want you to realise that it might not turn into a happy ending and I want you to set boundaries with Matt. You need to feel confident that when you say no he will respect it.”

“He has given me a safe word,” I say and a giggle escapes me when I remember what it is.

“Pardon? I thought you said you haven’t been physical yet?” Jackie looks confused.

“No, it’s not that kind of safe word. He wants me to use it if I ever feel like he is trying to get me to do something I don’t want to or if I feel pressured by anything or scared.”

“Have you used it yet?” Jackie asks.

“Once. He bought me rum and raisin ice cream,” I grin and Jackie laughs out loud.

“What happened?”

“He gave the cone to an old lady and bought me a coffee ice cream.”

“Sounds to me like I don’t need to worry,” she shakes her head laughing.

“Zuul.” I just have to tell her.

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