“You’re the only one I’ve been sleeping with,” Ari says, rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of my hand.
I blink in shock. Another brick of the wall I keep in place around my heart crumbles. It’s easier to harden myself against my feelings for Ari when I can tell myself he’s treating our liaisons casually. Because I’m not sleeping with anyone else either.
I shake my head. “What is it you want from me, Ari?”
Ari’s mouth curves in a sly smile, his brow arching. I expect him to go on about how our fucking is fantastic or how much he loves the flavor of me. Something superficial. A repeat of all the other times I’ve asked this question.
I hope for those answers.
But this time he answers differently.
“I want to court you, Jasper.”
My throat is thick, and I fight to keep from showing the tumultuous emotions working their way through my chest. I shake my head.
Ari’s eyes flash with alarm before they darken at my refusal. “I want from you what I’ve always known we could have if you’re brave enough.”
A mating.
I grit my teeth, moving past the cracking of my heart. For seven years we’ve been in limbo. As long as we were having sex without emotions, I didn’t have to voice the reasons why something like a mating couldn’t happen between us.
“We can’t be together,” I say.
Ari looks as if I’ve slapped him, but the expression is gone in an instant. “And why is that, lover?”
“Don’t be purposefully obtuse.”
“If this is about your family name—”
“It is. Don’t minimize how being publicly mated to an Adder would affect you.” Anger and loss make me snap. “Don’t minimize what my life is like because of my status.”
I watch Ari struggle with that, struggle to keep from saying that it doesn’t matter. He knows more than most how being the way I am, from the family I am, affects me.
Ari’s shoulders firm and he approaches our argument from a different angle.
“You would be mine. My name could protect us both.” Ari’s voice is fervent.
Fuck. This is it. He’s laying everything out, displaying his hopes like the most delicate porcelain. And I have to be the one to shatter them.
I could hate him for this, but I hate myself more.
“Your reputation would be ruined,” I say.
Ari’s brows furrow in anger. “You think I’d let what others think keep me from what I want?”
He wouldn’t. Ari is strong and determined. Older and much less human than I am, his will means that he rarely loses when it comes to his goals.
“And what about when they come for your business?” I ask. “When your contacts stop prioritizing you based on your status in our community? When your best customers won’t buy from you because of how you’ve lowered yourself? When rumors are spread about your allegiances?”
Ari’s face slackens. His grip on my wrist falls, our physical connection broken. He’s obviously never thought of this.
I have. I’m not stupid. Sex between us neverfeltcasual.
For years, I’ve considered just how a mating between us would be, what he’d lose.
He doesn’t have an answer for me. He can’t say it doesn’t matter because it does. Ari deals and trades in rare items. It’s challenging work built on decades of connections and trust. The creation of it served as a distraction and later joy after the catastrophe of losing his family.
It’s his constant.