Page 92 of Take What You Want

“I know, but…” I wipe a hand over my face, wishing I could wipe away the ever-present ache in my chest since I’ve been back around Nikolai. “I’m scared. It’s easier to settle into something comfortable than live with the idea that something like I had with him could be snatched away with my next breath.” It’s a cowardly thing to say, but it’s even more of a cowardly way to live. “And if I jump back into the deep end with him, there’s nothing comfortable about that.”

It’ll be like freefalling with only his promises to keep me from crashing headfirst into the earth below.

And I don’t know if I can trust that he can keep them.

“Jane, listen to me.” Hallie scoots as close to me as she can with the divider between our chairs and grips my thigh. “I love you. You know that, and this is only coming from a place of love. But you cannot live like that. You are too powerful and too smart to allow that.”

Tears cloud my vision and blur my best friend as she tells me what I already know but don’t want to hear. I was selling myself short with Liam. And I’m selling myself short now by denying what my heart wants.

“I’m scared,” I croak, and Hallie leans over and pulls me into a hug. I cry into her shoulder at the feeling of familiarityand safety she provides; the weight of everything finally crashing down.

23

JANE

Hallie holds me until my tears dry up and we finish another bottle of wine while I bring up the other thing standing in the way of me and Nikolai.

“He’s dating Kerra.”

“Fake dating,” she brushes it off. “You said it yourself, it's for publicity.” It’s not something I should be telling anyone, but I had to tell Hallie. She’s the most loyal person I know and I can trust that this isn’t going to make its way to the press because of her.

“Still,” I hedge, “it was like torture seeing them perform together at the first show, and that was only thefirsttime. They have more media engagements and performances coming up over the next few months. I’m just supposed to sit by and watch that?”

“It won’t be easy,” she admits, “but as long as the fake stuff stays fake, you have nothing to worry about. It’s a job for him.”

I know, but it doesn’t make it any easier. And there’s the fact that a big part of his contract was keeping his image clean. If anything got out to ruin what he’s projecting with Kerra and if I somehow got in the mix…Christ, it’d be ugly.

And there’s still the fact that my brother doesn’t know.

“My head hurts,” I groan, closing my eyes. “Damn wine.”

“Don’t blame your headache on the delicious cab sav. Blame it on your vagina.”

“Hallie!”

She laughs, holding her hands up in surrender. “It’s actually your heart's fault. And your Olympic level ability to overthink.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

We switch topics, catching up on the other things going on since the last time we saw each other. Hallie fills me in on her sister’s pregnancy and the woes of planning a baby shower for their large family. We chat about one of our acquaintances from law school who recently got married and posted hundreds of photos online, which means we have to flip through each and every one, pointing out what we like and what we would’ve done better had it been our own weddings.

It’s easy, the flow between us, just like it’s always been and I vow to myself that even if I end up permanently staying on the West Coast, my friendship with Hallie is not going to slip through the cracks.

After an hour of chatting, we finally pull the movie back up and hit play. It’s a romcom we’ve watched dozens of times, but each time feels just as special.

I try to get comfortable as the movie goes on, but I can’t. Something wiggles at the back of my mind and I can’t silence it. So in a brief silence, I voice it out, “What if he doesn’t like what he sees? My body isn’t the same as it was the last time he saw me naked.”

Hallie sputters, her eyes wide. “Are you for real?”

“Yeah?” I’ve always been bigger, but I’m definitely bigger than I was in high school. And the other night, it’s not really like Nikolai saw much of anything in the alley since we had to keep our clothes on.

And I’ve seen the women he’s been with since me…

“Bitch, I need you to stop with that right now.” She waves me off and stands. In a few quick strides, she’s across the room at Nikolai’s popcorn machine and turning it on. “I know Liam cheating on you did a number to your confidence, but I’m not going to indulge that with a serious conversation. This man has been practically begging to take you back, and I trust that the photos online aren’t lying when they show that he has two working eyeballs in that pretty head of his. He knows what you look like and he wants you.”

“But he?—”

“No buts. I promise I’m not trying to be insensitive to you because I know it’s something you’ve struggled with. But I’m also telling you that I truly don’t think it’s something you need to spend your time worrying about. You have bigger fish to fry in this situation.”

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