Page 34 of Take What You Want

Reid: Don’t trust her. Do what you have to with this song but then get the fuck out of there. She’s a sinking bitch and she’ll take you down with her if this song doesn’t do what she’s hoping it will

He’s right. Kerra made it sound so simple, so easy. Do the song together, have a relationship to be the basis of the marketing, and help boost ourselves back into the music scene.

But I can see the hunger in her eyes. And it’s not for me. It’s for a place back in the spotlight. She’s desperate for it. Desperate to resuscitate her image, and she’ll use anyone and anything to get it.

I’m not a pawn, and I’m not dumb.

And yet, everything she said about people not caring about me as an individual when I don’t have Reid, Hayden, and Walker with me, has me thinking twice about her offer.

I don’t want to fail. I need music in my life. There’s no other career out there for me that would ever be able to satisfy the creative urge and outlet that music does. Singing is what I was born to do and after getting a taste of living that way for almost ten years, I can’t give it up now.

But what if no one cares? What if no one likes the music I make on my own because it doesn’t have the influence of my three best friends and everything we bring out in each other in the studio?

What then?

I don’t want to have other regrets in life because the one I do have eats me alive little by little every time I think about her.

And doing this could undo all of the bricks I’ve been laying of rebuilding that trust. But if I say no and my worst fears come true, then will I look back on this moment and hate myself for not spending a few months pretending with Kerra? She’s not wrong that it would be beneficial for us both.

Do the benefits outweigh the costs, though?

The highest one of them being Jane.

9 YEARS AGO

JANE

I’m an overthinker. It’s what I do and who I am.

The smallest of decisions can take me minutes or hours to hem and haw over. I like to look at every choice from every angle, dissecting it and pulling apart every possible thread and scenario to reduce any unwanted risk in the outcome.

It bodes well for me academically. I’m thorough in research, detailed in explanations, and always prepared to back up my answer to even the most simple of questions.

But that same way of thinking often paralyzes me in everyday life. It keeps me from enjoying the present moment because I’m overthinking the way I’m standing, what I’m going to say next in a conversation, or holding back from just going for things like my friends do.

It’s been a week since Nikolai overheard my current predicament and offered his help. Part of me regrets that I didn’t just say fuck it that night. Because now that I’ve had time to sit and stew over it, the more I’ve agonized over each and every part of the conversation and filling in blanks of my own making.

We saw each other at school this week and he didn’t bring it up at all. He acted as if nothing unusual happened and was right back to his teasing self with me.

Maybe he forgot.

Maybe he was drunker than I thought and doesn’t remember.

Or maybe he’s playing it off because he regrets offering in the first place and is secretly relieved that I didn’t text him the next night like he had said.

Stop it, Jane.

I hate the way my insecurities cloud my better judgment until I don’t know which way is up and what way is down. It’s not fair to me to sabotage myself, and it’s not fair to put those kinds of thoughts on Nikolai when he’s never shown me anything but kindness in the couple of years that we’ve been friends.

Friends.

That’s exactly what we are. And as he pointed out, friends help each other out.

It doesn’t have to be anything deeper than what it is. He hooks up with girls all the time. If he can keep it surface level, surely I can too. It’s the logical thing to do.

And he’s a logical solution to my problem.

Alright,problemis a harsh way of looking at it. It’s not an actual problem, and I know I wouldn’t be the first one going off to college with no experience.

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