Page 1 of Take What You Want

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NIKOLAI

When you’ve stared death in the face and survived, there’s a sense of invincibility that flows alongside the blood in your veins. People died in front of my eyes, and yet I’m alive. I still don’t know why. All I know is that life isn’t fair, and there’s no time to leave things unsaid.

I’ve made that mistake before, and I never want to do it again.

I’d always been an adrenaline junkie growing up, but it’s gotten worse since a student at my younger brother’s high school graduation ceremony opened fire. Nothing gets my blood pumping or heart racing more than toying with that fine line between life and death.

Some might call me reckless, aimless, searching for a purpose and fucking up along the way. I cycle through relationships like I do thrill-seeking hobbies, but I’m trying to change.

Iwantto change.

The band I’ve been a part of for all of my adult life has been broken up for almost a year now. My identity was so intertwined with them I’m not sure how to be a public figure without them.

But not singing has felt like losing a limb. It’s a part of me, so intertwined with my soul that I don’t know who I am without it. And although I’m terrified to venture back into it on my own, I also know I need it. I need to get my feet back under me after years of feeling like I’m stumbling.

So staring at the papers that my manager, Arun, has laid out in front of me on the cold, wooden table, I don’t feel the usual itch under my skin at the thought of committing to something. Instead, it feels like freedom. A new purpose. A new chapter.

“I’ll still have my people look over this, but we can go over the basics today,” Arun says, leaning back in his chair, suit jacket stretched tightly over his broad shoulders. His usual gold watch glints in the sunlight that pours through the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the hills of Los Angeles. This office is a huge upgrade compared to his old one that he started out with when he signed my band almost ten years ago.

But the modern and expensive upgrades of his business aren’t the only thing that’s different today. Instead of having Reid, Walker, and Hayden, my best friends, my brothers, by my side looking over this contract, it’s just me.

The room feels empty despite the large art pieces decorating the walls and warm glow of the afternoon sun filling the space.

I’m exposed, even though it’s a private room. I don’t have my security blankets, my partners. It’s all on me. Whether I fail or succeed.

My knee shakes under the table, rattling the line of pens atop.

“Nikolai?”

“Sorry, yeah,” I say, shaking myself out of my thoughts. “Sounds good.”

Arun eyes me with that parental care he’s adopted over the years. My band, Whisper Me Nothings, signed with him when we were eighteen and freshly out of high school. When ourcareers took off, he was the constant by our side. Making sure we didn’t get screwed over, no one was taking advantage of us, ensuring we always had our passports and were where we needed to be and on time.

When I decided I wanted to make a run of a solo career, he was my first phone call. There’s no other manager I would trust.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asks. “We can wait. Thefanswill wait for you. They did it once already.”

They did. They waited two years while Whisper Me Nothings went on a hiatus after the shooting Hayden and I witnessed. His younger brother was in the same graduating class as mine and he was there that day too. Thankfully, his family made it out safely like mine, but we all bear the mental scars of that day. And between the four of us, we decided that the band would take a break while Hayden and I tried to come to terms with that incident.

At some point, you have to keep going. Some people weren’t given the choice to keep going, and I’m not going to take it for granted.

Now that’s where some would say that I’ve gone slightly off the rails in the years following, especially when you compare me and Hayden. Where he clings too tightly to control because he lost the sense of it that day, I’ve thrown everything to the wind. I know I can’t control anything. Time is fleeting and dancing that line between life and death is the only thing that gets my heart pumping as fast as performing onstage in front of thousands of people does.

I’d say I’m making the most out of my life now.

And that’s why I’m not going to wait around to begin to forge a new career on my own. Time is expiring and the limits are unknown.

“I’m ready,” I say. “I want this.”

Arun assesses me for a moment, before nodding and shuffling the papers. “All right then. I can call in Gerry to go over this with us?—”

I push back from the table and stride toward the window, needing to move.

“You’ve never been able to sit still.” Arun shakes his bald head with a soft smile. “Glad to see that hasn’t changed over the years.”

I give him a cheeky grin in return and pace the length of the room. “I can’t help it.”

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