Page 152 of Take What You Want

“Look,” I say between heaving breaths, “I never wanted you to find out like that. Trust me, it’s not an ideal situation for me either.”

His face shows genuine remorse as he says, “I’m sorry you were violated like that. Beneath the anger I have toward you and Nikolai right now, there’s also rage on your behalf as well.”

I give him a half-smile. “Thank you for saying that.” Walker has always been protective of me and the ones he loves. He’s fiercely loyal and will go toe to toe for anyone he cares about. “Whatever you want to know about me and Nikolai, you can ask me. I promise I won’t hide anything from you.”

He walks over toward the edge of one of the overlooks and crosses his arms. I move to stand beside him.

“Look, Janie, I have my own shit going on right now. I can’t take this on, too. If you guys are happy, then I don’t want to interfere. It’s not my life and not my decision. You’re both adults and I don’t have any authority over who you choose to date. But I’m really fucking hurt by the both of you. You lied to me for almost a decade. You’re supposed to be my best friend. So is he.”

Tears spring to my eyes and I blink them away. “I never wanted to hurt you, and I’m so sorry I did.”

His lip trembles with his own restrained emotion. “I just need some space, okay? Let me process this. I don’t want to be angry with you or him. I really don’t.”

I uncross his arms and squeeze his hand. “I understand. I’ll respect that. Just please, I hope you can be happy for us. Because I promise you, he’s it for me. This is real, and it’s not going anywhere.”

He turns to look at me and he looks like a shell of himself. Did I do this to him? His earlier words ring in my mind and I ask, “Is everything okay? Not the thing with me and Nikolai, but you said you have your own shit going on.”

I can see the shutters boarding up behind his eyes as he shuts down. “It’s nothing.”

“You can talk to me,” I say gently.

He snorts. “That’s rich coming out of your mouth right now.”

Well, I deserved that one. “I just want you to know you can talk to me. I’m here for you.”

He purses his lips and stares out at the sweeping landscape below. The wind blows through the material of his cut-off shirt and it billows out slightly. He looks lost, like that usual spark that makes himhimis dimmed. He’s been looking like this for a while now.

Worry gnaws at my gut but I can’t push him right now. Not as we stand on such shaky ground already. So instead, I wrap my arms around one of his and lean into him. He stiffens, but then eventually relaxes and lays his head on top of mine. We stand there, looking out over the view of LA, until our backs ache and the sun starts to burn our skin.

We’re not okay, but we will be. He’s my twin. Nothing is going to break us apart. I won't allow it, but I will allow him the time he needs to process it.

43

NIKOLAI

“Why are you icing your back?”

Jane groans as I stand over her lying on the couch. “Because my brother was punishing me.”

I stifle a laugh. “And how did he do that?”

“He made me go on a hike.”

This time I don’t bother to hide my amusement and Jane smacks my thigh. “So he punches me, and makes you go for a walk. I see who got the short end of the stick.”

“It wasn’t a walk! Do you know how steep some of those trails are?”

I sit at the other end of the couch and pull her feet into my lap. She moans as I dig my thumb into the arch of one of them and massage the muscles. “Did you forget I used to free climb mountains?”

Her eyes shoot open and glare at me. “You won’t be doing that anymore.”

“No?”

“Absolutely not. Your feet should be planted on solid ground at all times.” I smile at her protectiveness.

“Anything for you,” I acquiesce. “How’d it go? Besides the whole hiking thing.”

She adjusts the ice pack under her back and chews on her lip. “Not great, but not horribly, either. He tried to listen and I think he heard me when I told him that we really didn’t want to keep it from him. But he’s hurt and wants space.”

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