Page 113 of Take What You Want

“No, fuck you.”

I know what he’s doing. Trying to rile me up so I’ll distract myself from the emptiness. But I don’t want it. Everything in my life has flipped and I don’t know how to make sense of it. Without making music with my brothers, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What’s my purpose?

Is there even a point to anything anymore?

“Reid—”

“I don’t have anyone!” He launches forward and shakes my shoulders. My head lolls. “I have fucking no one, Nikolai. You’re my brother, my family. If you can’t find it in you stay for yourself, then find it in you to stay for me. I need you. Please don’t leave me alone. I can’t…I can’t be alone again. You, you and the guys, you’re all I fucking have. All I fucking care about.” Tears stream down his face and drip onto my T-shirt. “Don’t leave me.”

His words penetrate the fog in my head and nestle in deep. The pain and panic in his voice speaks to the part of me that doesn’t want things to end like this. Doesn’t want to cause him more hurt.

“I’m sorry.” Tears fall freely down my cheeks and chin, sliding down my neck and mixing with the spilled vodka on my collar. “I’m sorry.”

Reid pulls me into his arms and squeezes me so hard, it’s like he’s trying to squeeze life back into me. “Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into my hair. “Just fight it. Fight for me. Fight for Hayden and Walker. For your brother. Your parents. For Jane. Fight it for them until you find it in you to fight for yourself again.”

He rocks us back and forth as I cry. Time passes slowly until both of our tears dry up and I’m left with a pounding headache to fill the void.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” I ask, not able to think about the idea of being alone. I’m scared of myself.

Reid’s fingers dig into my shoulders as he pulls back and looks me in the eye. “For as long as you need.”

TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO

JANE

What if this was a mistake? My palms sweat and my heart races like it could explode out of my chest. I don’t do things like this. Booking a flight last minute, calling out of work, and showing up unannounced. What if he’s not even home? What if he has a woman over? What if he doesn’t want to see me?

But it’s too late to back out now. I’m here, and I need to do this. I need to see with my own two eyes that he’s okay. That he’s still here. That he’s fighting through the demons he hides behind his carefree smile that’s plastered online.

Reid called me once he got Nikolai into bed and as he stayed up, watching him sleep. I stayed on the phone with him for hours to make sure he didn’t doze off and could keep an eye on him.

I’d called Nikolai the following day once Reid assured me he was up and moving around. We spoke briefly, enough for me to be reassured that he was okay and that he was going to get help, but it’s not enough. Reid’s texted me here and there the past few days, keeping me updated on him, but I need to see it for myself.

With a shaky hand, I ring the doorbell and take a step back. I glance at my wrinkled sweatshirt from the plane ride and wincein regret. Do I really want the first time that I see him in years to be looking like this?

The air in front of me is sucked away as the door swings open and there stands the man who single handedly gave me my favorite memories and also most painful ones.

“LJ,” he breathes out, blinking those baby blues at me in shock. His mouth hangs open as his mind races to catch up with reality.

“Hi,” I whisper as tears clog my throat and blur the bottom of my vision.

Nikolai’s standing. He’s in front of me. Alive. Blood pumping, still as beautiful as I remembered. The relief is so sudden, so sharp, that it sends me bowing forward. Before I fall to my knees, two powerful arms wrap around me and pull me upright into the hug I didn’t know I needed. His familiar scent wraps around me as I bury my face into his chest and lose it completely.

His strength is the only thing keeping me standing as my knees buckle. He tucks his head into my shoulder and I feel him inhale, chest shuttering as he does it. “LJ,” he repeats, the words muffled and wrecked with emotion, almost as if he can’t believe it.

I cling to him, nails digging into his back through the material of his T-shirt. “I just needed to see you.” Reid’s reassurances that he was alright, that he was keeping an eye on him, it hasn’t been enough the past few days. “You scared the absolute hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.

I ball his shirt in my fists. “I don’t want an apology.” At least not about this. “I just…” I trail off and pull reluctantly out of his embrace so I can take him in again. “I-I…”

“I know,” he says softly, tucking my loose hair behind my right ear. “I’m okay.”

“Are you?” I scan his face. He has dark circles beneath his eyes and a light stubble coats his jaw. He never grows out his facial hair. But other than looking slightly tired and a little disheveled, his eyes are clear and there’s color to his cheeks.

Although I know better than to take those things at face value. Especially when it comes to him.

“Okay may be a strong word,” he jokes half-heartedly, “but I’m better than I was the other night.” He jabs his thumb over his shoulder toward the inside of his entryway. “Do you want to come in?”

---