Page 90 of Take What You Want

“Well…”

“You have?” she squeals.

I cup my ears and cringe. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s actually a yes or no type of thing.”

Chewing my lip, I mutter, “He kinda got me off outside of a club the other night.”

Hallie blinks for a moment before she shifts to her knees and leans over the console between us, shaking my shoulders excitedly. “Get the fuck out of here! When was this? What do you meanoutsideof a club? And he just got you off?”

“Slow down.” I chuckle, peeling her hands off me. “One thing at a time.”

I fill her in on my girls night with Scar and Carter that quickly turned into the antithesis of a girls night when Nikolai showed up, and then everything in the days since where I’ve been trying my best to keep my distance and not think about his confession in the living room.

“And then we were dancing and I don’t know…I just got caught up in it all. It was that last tequila shot, I know it.”

Hallie scoffs. “Like hell it was. Don’t blame it on the alcohol.” I frown at her but she doesn’t back down. “You still want him.”

I open my mouth to argue but she shushes me and continues, “I don’t know why you won’t just admit it, but you do. And you avoiding him since that happened isn’t how you handle things. I know you, and you’re better than that.”

I sink back in my chair as she calls me out. “I haven’t been avoiding him.”

She gives me a dull look. “You literally told me you have been.”

“You’re supposed to be my best friend,” I mutter into my wine glass.

Hallie slaps my thigh. “I am, and that’s why I’m telling you what you need to hear. Now, did you just need time to process after it happened? Was it a mistake and you don’t know howto let him down easily? Are you scared about what it made you feel?”

Fuck, a mix of all three.

I haven’t really even let myself think about that night because I don’t want to process my emotions and what I know deep down it did for me. What it unlocked that I’ve been trying my hardest to keep tucked away.

“I don’t know?—”

“You actually do, so let’s not start with that.”

I flip Hallie off, and she grins, sinking back in her chair expectantly. The movie sits paused on the home theater screen and the room is eerily quiet, like it is also waiting to hear me unearth what I don’t want to admit.

“I think I still love him.” The admittance is so quiet it’s almost inaudible. But by the way Hallie immediately takes one of my hands and squeezes it, I know she heard it. “I’ve been avoiding thinking about it and burying myself in work because the idea of that terrifies me, Hallie. It’s almost paralyzing. And the longer I could put off processing it or talking with him, the more I thought that maybe it would go away. That it was just the high of his touch, and once the memory of it faded, so would everything else and we could get back to normal.”

“Have you two ever even had a normal to get back to?” she asks. “I know when you were teenagers you had a friendship, but once you became more, were you ever able to find your way back to that to begin with?”

Nikolai and I have regrown our friendship over the last couple of years, but she’s right. We’ve never been back to where we once were.

And I don’t think I ever wanted to.

“No, not really.” I sigh. “But if I admit that we can’t get back there, then that leaves only two other options. And both scare the hell out of me.”

Hallie motions for me to continue.

“I either let him go and not have him be a part of my life anymore.” I choke on the idea of it. “Or, I let him back in again.” And the second one steals my breath and churns the food in my stomach.

“And would it be so bad to let him back in again?” Hallie whispers, the corners of her eyes creased as she cocks her head to the side. “You said it yourself. He point-blank asked for you back. He wants to give it another shot.”

Yes. It would be so bad.

“What’s making you so hesitant? I know he broke your heart but he’s trying to fix it. And I think you want to let him.”

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