Page 68 of Take What You Want

Jane pushes off the wall and it takes me by surprise. I concede a few steps so I don’t topple over as she advances on me. “What happened between then and now? I saw what I’ve seen for the past nine years! You flirting and touching and looking at women the way I only ever wanted you to do with me. Happy now?”

“It’s part of the performance!”

“No, it’s reality!”

“Bullshit.”

Jane holds her arms out in exasperation. “No, you’re right. You know what the reality is?” She pauses, taking in a heavy breath before she says, “The reality is that I never meant as much to you as you did to me.”

She might as well have slapped me. It would’ve been less shocking than the words that just came out of her mouth. “What kind of fucked up reality do you live in?” I yell.

“The kind where I told you I loved you and you told me to take it back!”

There it is. What it always comes back to.

Her pain radiates straight into my heart as she cuts herself open with the ugly truth and admission. “I fucked up…” I shake my head. “I know that and I’m sorry. If I could go back in time, I’d do things differently.”

“Like what?”

“Like tell you that I felt the same way that you did.”

Jane freezes. Like ice replaced the blood in her body. And when she finally speaks, the words are low and gritty. “Don’t say that. Not after all this time.”

“It’s the truth.” I plead.

“No.” The word is hollow as it echoes around the greenroom. “You don’t get to say that to me now, nine years later. Not when I’ve been haunted by that night ever since.”

“You’ve fucking hauntedme, Jane. For years.” I run my hands through my hair, pulling at the ends frantically. “Every single time I tried to move on and I thought I was finally in love with someone, it wouldn’t last because sooner or later, no matter what they looked like, black hair and green eyes were all I could see. All I could dream about was you. All of them served as a distraction and it worked until it didn’t and you infiltrated my mind again and again.”

Jane’s chin wobbles but she steels her expression. “I?—”

I cut her off, the need to get this confession crawling its way up my throat out before I can stop it. “And when I saw my life flash before my eyes, not fighting foryouwas my biggest regret. I let you slip through my fingers.”

She presses her hands against her chest as if it can stop the pain both of us have lived in since that night.

“I should’ve never let you walk away that night,” I say, tears clogging my throat. “I should’ve neverpushedyou away that night.”

TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO

NIKOLAI

My life has turned into a fucking mess. I mean, I guess it’s fitting. Because it now matches the chaos inside my head.

How is someone supposed to cope with seeing people die in front of their face? Seekidsdie in front of them? And then wake up and see the same events happening to other people over and over again, and we’re just supposed to take it? Accept that it’s a fact of life?

I drain the last of my coffee, the bitterness coating my tongue and mirroring the feeling inside my chest. But as my phone rings and I see the caller ID, I know I need to swallow it down. Shove it away. Compartmentalize.

Perform.

I’m the fun guy. The one who is always going to give someone a good laugh.

I have a part to play.

And so, I do.

For my friends. For my family. For the public who doesn’t want to leave me alone, even though the band is on hiatus. For the women that come one after another.

They give me a little bit of a rush at least.

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