Page 35 of Take What You Want

But I’m tired of always feeling less than just because I’m bigger than most of the girls around me. I’m tired of hiding myself because I don’t match the standard I see. And for me, it feels like if I can just do this one thing, show every single part of myself to just one other person, then it’s the first step in conquering and smashing my insecurities as a whole.

So, I decided I have seven months until I’m off to Harvard, and that should be plenty of time to find someone to get it over with.

But standing on the sidelines of parties and watching the crowds around me has dimmed that resolve little by little. No one ever looks my way twice, and if they do, it’s only because of the growing recognition of my brother and his friends.

So once again, I’m entertaining Nikolai’s proposition.

Being vulnerable like that with him should seem less terrifying because I know him. I trust him. But that’s almost what makes it harder. Because if he turns away from me or balks at what he sees, I don’t think I can handle it.

I lie on my bed, staring at my ceiling fan making slow circles overhead. The room is dark as the moon shines through the window. I haven’t bothered to get up to close the curtains yet. I tend to zone out when I’m working something over in my head and I didn’t realize the sun has completely disappeared for the night.

Footsteps thud past my door before stopping, and then coming closer once more. My door flies open and reverberates on the hinges after colliding with the wall.

“Knock!” I yell, not even bothering to lift my head. I know it’s my brother. He doesn’t realize his own strength most of the time and is always slapping doors open.

There’s a pause, and then a gentleknock knockagainst the already open door.

“Smartass.”

Walker laughs and lumbers into my room, plopping on the bed beside me. He taps his fingers in a controlled rhythm against his knee as he looks at me. “What are you doing here alone on a Friday night?”

I sigh, sinking in the mattress. “I don’t have any plans.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Or because you’re stewing over a problem?”

I glare at him and he smiles.

“Knew it.”

He always does. It’s a twin thing.

He swats my knee, and I yelp. “You can come with me,” he says, standing back up. “I’m headed over to Hayden’s.”

“For what?” I lean up, propping myself on my elbows.

“He got a new video game we’re going to try out.”

“Ugh, pass.”

“C’mon. It’s better than sitting here by yourself all night.”

“Is anyone else going to be there?” I try to keep my tone neutral. It’s not an unusual question to ask. It’s not like he knows I’m specifically asking about one person in particular.

“Just me and Hayden. We’ll let you take a turn.”

I raise a brow at him.

“Maybe.”

“James.”

“After we play it first.”

I throw a pillow at his head and he easily dodges it. “Fine. Sulk by yourself, Janie. If you change your mind, just text one of us.”

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