Page 19 of Take What You Want

I was always terrified of those feelings, of saying those words, of the damage that they can do. But once I realized how short life is, I threw them around like they meant nothing instead of meaning everything. I hated living with the regret of withholding them once, and I didn’t want to do that again. It was like chasing a high. Needing to fill up the void that so many things had left inside.

But saying it always felt empty. It’s like the moment I took the words from my head and spoke them into existence, their entire importance diminished. They never lived up to how I thought they would feel, but I couldn’t take it back.

And after a couple years of repeating this cycle over and over again with woman after woman, I had to face the reality I’ve been running from for nine years.

That they’ve only ever been meant for one woman in particular.

The one woman who I can’t have because I already broke her heart. And her trust. And when I faced death that day in the gymnasium, she was my one singular regret.

Yes, I want her help with this contract. She has a sharp eye and is the most intelligent person I know. She also won’t let me get pushed around or get tied into some bullshit that will tank my career.

But I just wanted an excuse to see her again. To have her deep green eyes on me again, scanning me from head to toe when she thinks I’m not paying attention.

But I’m always paying attention where Jane is concerned.

“Well then, let’s move on to the next section,” she says, stirring me out of my thoughts. “Did you realize that this contract is for three solo albums?” Her eyes widen as she re-reads that part again.

“I did,” I say with a heavy sigh.

“And you’re okay with that?”

I shrug.

“That’s not an answer.”

I rub my jaw. “I guess so. I mean, I want to make music.”

She leans forward, her hair falling into her face. My hand twitches with the desire to tuck it back away, giving me an unobstructed view of her, but I refrain.

“Three albums is a long time to be locked into a solo contract,” she says, eyes softening. “Do you really think there’s no way…that you’d want to commit to that? Who knows what could happen in the years that it’ll take to record and promote three records.”

It’s not like I haven’t thought of that. What if Walker and Reid solved their issues? What if Hayden and Reid got back on the same page? What if everyone wanted to make music together again? The way it’s always supposed to be…the four of us as one.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I’d like to think that one day we’ll all find our way back to each other, but…I just—I don’t know. I can’t keep waiting around for that.”

Jane chews on her lip, a habit she’s always had whenever she’s working a problem over in her head, searching high and low in that beautiful brain of hers for a solution. But like me, she comes up short.

We all have over recent years as we tried and failed to salvage the band.

“You don’t think there’s even a remote possibility that you’ll all get back together? Even within the next five or so years?”

Part of me wants to say yes. I want to be optimistic about that possibility. Maybe they need more time. Or to reevaluate what they want now that we’re adults. Or just cool off.

But the other part of me says no. That there’s no going back to how things used to be. Not now with Walker doing his own thing, recording with other bands. Not with Hayden wrapped up in projects outside of music and thriving in that new environment.

Reid and I? Sure, we could make a go of things together. But we would never do that.Couldnever do that.

“Like I said, I’m not going to wait around anymore,” I say, resolve straightening my spine. “If three albums is what they want and what will get me back into the studio, then I’ll make it happen.”

She narrows her eyes. “And them wanting you to have your first single be a duet with”—she checks the paper again—“Kerra? The original opener from your last tour?”

“Yep.”

“Wasn’t she the one who was tied up in all of those messy copyright lawsuits?”

“That’s the one,” I chuckle.

She grimaces. “Why would they want you to do a duet with her?”

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