Page 115 of Take What You Want

“I’ve missed you, too,” I admit, not wanting to withhold the truth from him. Not after the other night.

“Do you think we can try being friends again?”

Can I be friends with Nikolai when part of my heart still yearns to be held by him? I’m not sure. But I also know that I don’t like my life without him in it. There’s a hollow hole thathe’s left all these years that I’ve tried to fill over and over again but it’s like water slipping through my fingers. If rebuilding a friendship with him is the way to have him back in it, then I’ll take it.

“I’d like that.”

For the first time since I arrived, his smile actually reaches his eyes. “Well then, are you sure you don’t want to come in and sit down for a bit? We have some catching up to do.”

As good as that sounds, I can’t. “I’m sorry, I really can’t stay.” There’s one more stop I have to make while I’m out here and just like Nikolai, I didn’t tell him I was coming. “But why don’t you give me a call tomorrow night? And we can talk more then? It’s going to take more than just one afternoon or a single phone call I’m sure to catch each other up on everything from the last how many years?”

“Too many,” he muses. “Too fucking many.”

I chuckle and step toward the door. It brings me closer to him and the smell of his cologne throws me all the way back to a teenage version of myself, stealing his sweatshirts and hiding them in my room to pull out at night when I missed him.

Nikolai doesn’t hesitate. He grabs my shoulders and pulls me in for another hug. I wrap my arms around his torso and heave one more sigh of relief. “You’re okay,” I whisper to myself.

“I’m going to be,” he murmurs. His fingers trace gentle lines up and down my back and I wish I could cancel my flight home. Wish I could stay here and talk to him for hours, catching up on everything we’ve missed in each other's lives.

I need to get out of here before I start to cry again, for a completely different reason than utter relief this time. Reluctantly, I untangle my arms from his back and step out of his embrace. But I do allow myself to gently cup his face and brush my thumb over his cheekbone. The stubble tickles my finger.

“It was good to see you. I’m glad you texted me the other night.”

“It was good to see you, too. And I’m glad I did. Thank you, Jane. For this and calling Reid and for not—” He clears the emotion from his throat. “For not letting me drown when I thought that’s what I wanted.”

Tears well in my eyes once more and I blink them away. “You don’t need to thank me. Just keep fighting it, okay?” I pat his cheek and reach for the doorknob. He beats me to it and opens the door for me. He follows me out to the rental car I got for today. I barely ever drive anymore, but I didn’t want someone else to drive me around and see who I was visiting. Not when the guy’s privacy is already invaded constantly by the media.

He opens the car door for me as well and I can’t help but tease him. “Since when did you become such a gentleman?”

He smirks and holds his arm out in a grand gesture. “I’ve always been a gentleman, LJ. You just must’ve forgotten.”

I snort and he laughs, the sound dancing over my nightmares I’ve had since I almost lost him for good. His white teeth shine as they part in a genuine smile.

“I’ll be waiting for your call,” I say as I slide into the driver’s seat and buckle my seat belt.

He leans down as he answers, “I won’t leave you hanging. Safe travels. Let me know when you get back to Boston.”

“Will do.”

He shuts the door and the silence of the car is deafening in the absence of his voice. How is it possible to miss the sound of it already?

When I glance out of the windshield one final time, a sense of peace washes over my anxiety-ridden nerves the past few days. He’s going to be alright. I know it.

As soon as I leave Nikolai’s, I drive over to Reid’s house. Again, I didn’t warn him I was coming and I’m taking mychances that he’s home. It’s not like he has a lot going on right now with the band's break.

And sure enough, when I ring the doorbell, it only takes a minute for him to answer the door. If he’s surprised to see me, he masks it better than Nikolai did. He’s always been good at keeping a neutral expression on his face though, hiding his emotions and thoughts behind a carefully constructed image of disinterest.

I cut straight to the chase. “I don’t have a lot of time, but I had to come out here and see him for myself.”

He crosses his arms and leans his powerful frame against the open door. “You didn’t trust my updates?”

“I do. I just…I needed to see it for myself.”

“I’m watching out for him,” he says defensively.

I raise my hands in surrender. “I know you are. And thank you for that.”

“I don’t need your thanks.”

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