Page 114 of Take What You Want

I bite the inside of my cheek. “I’m not staying.” His face falls, and I rush to add, “I don’t have much PTO right now, so I’m flying out tonight. But I needed to see you for myself.”

“When did you get here?”

“This morning.”

His brows shoot up. “You flew all the way out here just now, only to turn around tonight already?”

It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But the logical side of my brain doesn’t seem to always take the driver’s seat when it comes to Nikolai.

“It’s fine,” I brush him off. “I can come in for a little bit.”

He steps to the side, allowing me in first, and he closes the door behind us. His house smells fresh, like the soft breeze outside rustling through the trees. It’s welcoming and lively, and I hope that he’s trying to infuse his space into being a good environment for himself.

I fiddle with my bracelets as Nikolai leans against the closed door. “Do you want a drink? You hungry at all?”

I shake my head. “I’m good, thank you though.”

“We can go sit down in the living room?—”

“I really just wanted to make sure you were alright. I don’t want to intrude on your day.”

His face softens and he cocks his head to the side. “Jane…you’re never intruding.”

His words settle some of my worries over coming out here like this. While we’ve remained cordial, we aren’t what I would necessarily call friends anymore. And showing up like this feels dangerous.

I push my shoulders back and remember why I’m here. Taking on a tone I usually reserve for work, I say, “I’m going to ask you this once and I don’t want you to lie to me.”

His lips twitch and amusement washes over his face as he slips his hands into his pockets. “Hit me.”

“Are you still in that dark place you were the other night? And I don’t mean like you’ve all of a sudden turned a new leaf and you are excited about life and that sort of bullshit. I mean…are you still having those kinds of thoughts?”

He takes a deep breath, eyes locked in on my own, and I see the gears turning in his head. His guard comes down right in front of my face and I know when he opens his mouth, I’m getting the truth from him.

“No,” he says. “I mean, I’m definitely far from being good. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to cope with what I saw and just keep going on with life as usual. Especially when I don’t have music to focus on right now.” He looks down at his feet and his shoulder curves inward. “But I don’t want to give up, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

I step forward then hesitate, because I was about to grab his chin and raise his head back up. But he’s not mine to touch. He hasn’t been in a long time. So I tuck my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt and keep my feet rooted to the floor.

“You aren’t just saying that to placate me, are you?”

He looks up beneath his lashes. “You and I both know I’m not going to say something just to placate you.”

Ouch. I know he doesn’t mean it to be hurtful, but his words land a blow they shouldn’t anymore. We’ve both moved on with other people since that night in his backyard. And I don’t even think he registers how I take his words right now.

“Alright then,” I say, glancing at the time on my phone. “Well, I’m glad to know that Reid’s around you and that you have a support system here. And you know you can always call me if you ever need to.”

“Can I?” His question is full of hesitation and I frown.

“Of course you can. You know that.”

“I don’t want to complicate your life,” he says. “Or you know, your relationship.”

I huff through my nose. Liam is the least of my concerns right now. “Don’t worry about anything like that. I never want you to worry about that if you feel the need to call and talk to me. We used to share everything, you know…”

He nods.

We share a weighted look and I know this isn’t the reunion either of us pictured us having after all this time. I’m not sure what I really ever expected when I saw Nikolai again, but it wasn’t like this. He feels like a stranger and yet also like returning to my childhood home. It’s the strangest mix and there’s no making sense of it when I’m standing here, drinking him in.

“I’ve missed you,” he says tentatively. He rubs the back of his neck and I hate that I can’t help but admire his bicep as it flexes with the movement.

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