Page 59 of Can You Take It?

“What do you want me to say?”

“Is this because you couldn’t save her? Lyla?”

I shake my head, walking past Izel. “I’m turning in for the night.”

“Don’t give me that!” she shouts from behind.

I stop but don’t turn around. “What?”

“That whole ‘Because I’m a cop, I’m not supposed to feel anything’ BS.”

“It is not BS.”

“Yes, it is,” she snaps, stepping closer. “You think you can just turn off every fucking emotion because it makes it easier for you to deal with it?”

“I don’t have a choice, Izel. Feelings get in the way.”

“No, Richard, they don’t. You make them get in the way because you’re scared of what’ll happen if you actually let yourself fucking feel.”

I let out a bitter laugh, turning away to end this before it spirals. “I’m not doing this with you.”

“You think you’re protecting yourself by shutting down, but all you’re doing is pushing everything and everyone away.”

I ignore her, walking down the hall, hoping she’ll drop it. My feet are heavy as hell, and I just want to shut out everything for the night. “I’m done with this conversation,” I mutter under my breath.

But Izel’s right behind me. “You’re not done. Stop pretending you’re made of stone!”

I spin around, glaring at her. “What do you want from me, Izel? You want me to break down? To cry about all the people I couldn’t save, all the fucking mistakes I made? What good is that going to do, huh?”

“You’re allowed to feel, Richard,” she says stepping closer to me. “And you’re allowed to act on those feel—”

I crash my lips against hers. She gasps against my mouth but doesn’t push me away. Instead, her hands grip my shirt, pulling me closer. My body presses against hers, and her hands slide up to my neck.

I pull back just enough to catch my breath. I rest my forehead against hers. “Is this what you wanted?”

“No,” she whispers. “But it’s what you needed.”

“If we’re going through with this,” I murmur against her lips, feeling my breath coming out heavy, “I need alcohol.”

She pulls back, just enough to give me that sly smile she does when she knows she’s got me right where she wants. “You sure about that?”

I nod, loosening my grip on her shoulders. Her smile widens as she steps away, leaving me standing there. I watch her head toward the kitchen, her hips swaying like she knows I’m watching. I let out a breath, trying to clear my head, but fuck, it's not working.

“I can’t believe you did that!” Izel says through a burst of laughter, clearly still riding the high from the stupid story I just told her.

I laugh along, but yeah, it was embarrassing as hell. “Yeah, well, sleeping with my English teacher at seventeen wasn’t my brightest moment. In my defense I was horny and she was hot. Dad found out and nearly killed me. Took me to a damn counselor to get ‘straightened out.’”

“What about your parents now?”

I pause for a second, not expecting her to ask, but I shrug. “Well, my father died when I was twenty. Heart attack. And Mom? She’s... off somewhere living her best life on some tropical island. They’re basically out of the picture.”

She nods, chewing her bottom lip like she’s thinking about something. “Yeah... that is something I can relate with.”

I see her close up just a little, like she’s retreating into herself. I’ve read her file. I know her past, or at least the parts of it. Her mother disappeared, got sucked into some fucked-up cult, leaving Izel to her grandparents. And her father? Will... he hadn’t been any better. He abandoned her without a second thought. Her past is one of the reasons she’s here.

“Fuck... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she mutters, her fingers playing with the hem of her sleeve as if to distract herself. “It is what it is.”

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