Page 17 of Belle Amour

“Which part of that is bothering you?” Bastian asked, trying to keep his voice calm and neutral as he coaxed her into telling him what she was really thinking and feeling.

“Both.” She admitted after a moment of silence. That stung, but he kept his neutral expression in place as he absorbed the rejection.

“Okay, we'll go as friends.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “Although I'm not sure what the big deal is.”

“Look, Bast, you might think love isn't real, but I still think it is and faking it with my best friend to stick it to my ex-husband just feels icky to me.” Bastian frowned as Mirabelle walked away and came back with her toiletries bag. She reopened the suitcase, tucked the bag in, and closed it up again.

“I think love is real, " he protested. God, he hated that she still thought this about him. It didn’t matter how often he told her it wasn’t true; she never believed him. “I love you.”

“You know what I mean, Bast.” She pulled the suitcase off the bed and started to walk out of the room, dragging it behind her.

“No, I don't.” He got up quickly and followed her through the condo, genuinely confused. Why was she holding on so tightly to something he said seven years ago after he found out his wife was cheating on him? “Explain what you mean.”

“You love me, but you don't think of romance and sex with me; you think of cuddles and security. I'm essentially your emotional support animal.” She grabbed her carry-on bag from the kitchen table as she walked past it.

“Wow.” Bastian came to a halt as his brain short-circuited. Really? Emotional support animal? “You think I see you that way?” Bastian picked up his carry-on and threw it over his shoulder, then took his suitcase in one hand and his golf bag in the other as he waited for her to dig in the closet and pick a jacket.

“Tell me I'm wrong.” She held up a black, fitted leather jacket that would hit her at the top of her thighs and a longer wool duster in grey. He nodded at the leather jacket, and she put the wool duster back in the closet. He felt like he was having an out-of-body experience. She thought he thought of her as emotional support?

“You're wrong.” He scoffed and shook his head in disbelief.

“Uh-huh.” She pulled open the door and gestured for him to go out ahead of her, clearly not believing him.

“You are,” He insisted, starting to feel insulted. “You couldn't be further from the truth...” A thought hit him that made his stomach knot up. “Wait... Is that how you see me?”

“Of course not.” She locked her door and turned around, gesturing for him to lead the way to the elevator. “Let's go before I change my mind again.”

Bastian didn't know how to respond to what she said, and he started walking automatically. He’d been trying his damnedest for the last two months to show her he wanted more than friendship. While they were both swamped getting the law practice up and running since the PLLC came through six weeksago and building Marie’s case against John for the divorce, he felt he’d been much more verbal about vocalizing how much he loved and appreciated her.

Unfortunately, two things were working against him. The first was that all the things he usually did to show interest in women in the past were the norm in his and Mirabelle's relationship: cuddling on the couch while watching TV, taking her to a movie, taking her out to dinner, and buying her coffee. Hell, even sleeping over at each other’s condos every other night and sleeping in each others’ beds was normal for them.

The second - and more significant - problem was his paralyzing fear of losing her. He didn’t want to declare his love for her when he wasn’t one hundred percent sure of her feelings for him or if she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Bastian didn’t want to make their friendship and business partnership awkward or uncomfortable, and he really didn’t want her to step back from him in any way, so he’d decided a while ago that he would rather things stay exactly as they were now than have her outright reject him.

Mirabelle’s comment about her being his emotional support animal was eating at him. He wasn't sure he believed her denial about her thinking of him in the same way. Maybe she did only see him as emotional support. He really didn’t know what to do or say anymore. They were about to spend a week in another state, and he had several things booked that were supposed to allow them to get comfortable with behaving like a couple. Being unsure about something was new to Bastian, and as he helped the cab driver put their luggage in the trunk, he felt himself shut down and withdraw as he struggled to understand his hurt and make decisions.

Mirabelle

As they drove to John F. Kennedy Airport, Mirabelle noticed how quiet Bastian had become. He was sitting next to her in the backseat, staring straight ahead with a slight frown on his face. He looked like he was a million miles away and his frown was thoughtful with a subtle hint of sadness to it. She tried to start a couple of conversations during the thirty-minute drive, asking him if he’d heard about a mutual friend’s recent health issues and if he was still planning to go with her to Texas in November for her mother’s birthday, but he didn’t really engage besides answering “yes” to both questions. At first, she figured he didn’t want to talk in the cab, but when they got through security, found their gate and had been sitting for a while, and he was still not talking, she began to wonder if she had hurt his feelings with her emotional support animal comment.

“Bast?” She asked hesitantly, wanting to check in with him before they got on the plane. She glanced at him and saw he was looking out the window, watching the planes take off and land, but the expression on his face told her he wasn’t really seeing anything.

“Hmm?”

“Is everything okay?” Mirabelle nervously played with the sleeve of her sweater, wanting him to go back to his usual affectionate self.

“Yeah.” He nodded absently, and she was once again unsure if he was actually hearing what she said.

“Then why aren't you talking to me?” The beginnings of frustration were slowly replacing her concern. This was out of character for him, and she didn’t like it at all. Bastian finally looked at her and smiled, but it was superficial and didn't reach his eyes.

“Sorry, Bunny, I have things on my mind, that's all.” Bastian reached over and patted her knee awkwardly, then turned his attention back to the window. Determined to get some kind of answer from him, Mirabelle decided to press him for an explanation.

“Those things wouldn't have anything to do with our conversation before we left my condo, would they?”

“Maybe.” He shrugged, looking faintly annoyed, although she couldn’t tell if he was upset with her, himself or at the situation. “I'm a little insulted that you think I see you as nothing more than emotional support.”

“I didn't mean it as a negative thing, Bast.” She responded, wincing slightly as she heard the faint defensive tone to her voice. She really hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings, but she couldn’t help the way she felt, either.

“I don't know how it could be interpreted as anything but as a negative thing. It makes it sound as if I use you for my selfish reasons like you think I don't love you and only want you around for no other reason than for what you can do for me.” He swallowed hard, and she was surprised at the amount of hurt she could see in his eyes. “I'm also getting a little tired of having something I said eight years ago while I was hurting and angry thrown in my face.” He stood up suddenly, catching her off guard. “Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” She watched in surprise as Bastian walked away, his hands in his pocket, head down, and shoulders slumped, leaving Mirabelle sitting there, unsure of what to do or say. Her brain was struggling to comprehend what just happened. She truly hadn't meant anything negative about the emotional support animal comment; they were each other’s emotional support, and they always had each other’s backs during the tough times in their lives. She considered it an important part of their bond that theywere always able to be emotionally open and vulnerable with one another.

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