Page 72 of The Circus

I stare down at him, and he’s so, so pale, so frozen in time, his jaw slack, his body still.

“Dad?” I plead.I take it back, I want to scream.It’s not okay for you to leave me, not like this, not right now. Please, please I take it back.

The nurse feels for his pulse, but it’s useless. Her wide, brown eyes find mine, and she goes pale as well.

“I don’t know what to do,” I say, though my voice sounds far off, in another realm entirely.

“Do you need me to call someone, sweetie?”

I shake my head. There’s no one to call. I’m the only family he has. He was the only familyIhad.

My eyes fall to his body. It’s not him. The man on the bed is not my father. I release his cold hand. No one tells you how fast a body goes cold once the soul has left. The chill seeps into myhand and into my bones for eternity, burning through me like dry ice.

The pounding of feet hits my ears, and I glance up to the doorway. Teddy stands there, face slack. I shake my head.

And we hold one another’s gaze through the storm raging in my soul.

My father is finally free, but all I want is one more day, one more hour, one more minute. That’s the worst of it, when someone you love dies. You wish so hard for just a little more time, and you’ll never be able to get it. It’s a type of sorrow I’d never wish upon another person, and one I understand intimately now.

I’ll never wish for anything more but time.

FORTY-ONE

EDEN

“Where’s Binx?”I ask softly, searching for anything to say to shatter the deafening silence between Teddy and I. Hand in hand, he leads me around the side of his house to the backyard, the darkness engulfing us as we pass beneath the sweeping bows of an aged evergreen and some overgrown shrubs. He’d held me in my father’s room as I stared numbly at the man on the bed. Teddy had given me space, and time, but leaving his body there still feels so wrong.

I’ll receive his ashes in a few weeks. He never specified what he wanted me to do with them, but I doubt he’d want to be put in some ornate vase and displayed on a mantle. I want him to be free, but I want him to remain close to me. I’m not sure where that place will be, considering how up in the air my life feels at the moment. It’s another reason I asked Teddy if we could come to his house instead of mine; I don’t want to deal with the disappointment that will follow when I walk into our home and not even his ghost greets me.

Right now, I want to be surrounded by warmth and comfort, and the only accessible place that fits my needs is Teddy’s room.

“With his uncle, of course,” Teddy murmurs back, squeezing my hand and reaching over the gate to unhook the latch. It swings forward, giving me a glimpse into an even more pristine backyard and a glowing pool. It’s so odd, Teddy living in such an ostentatious home. A prisoner shrouded in finery I know he loathes.

It calms my heart, knowing our kitten is with Cash. One less thing to worry about, I suppose.

We skirt around the house to an egress window, and Teddy hops lithely down into the hole, reaching back up to knit his long fingers around my hips and gently pull me down. With a smirk, he pecks a kiss to my forehead as we stand body to body in the cramped space, and slides open the window, ushering me in before him. I crawl through the frame, tumbling down and landing on his plush bed, keeping my feet up in the air so I don’t get any dirt on his sheets. He chuckles as he follows, plucking my shoes off and tossing them to the floor with a soft thud.

His shoes follow, and then we’re lying next to one another, staring at the blank ceiling as scant moonlight seeps in through the window. I release a heavy breath, the weight of grief beginning to press in against my chest, snapping my ribs as my lungs implode and carving out a hollow niche where sorrow and melancholy will forever reside.

Teddy cups my cheek, pulling my gaze to his.

“What do you need, little ghost?” he whispers softly, my eyes following the motion of his plump lips. I stare unblinkingly at them, wondrous at how perfect they are, even if his smile is a little crooked. After a moment too long, I shrug, bringing my eyes back to his. A steely glint has entered his gaze, something stoic and austere that I haven’t met yet. There’s something oddly reassuring about the way he’s looking at me, and my shoulders begin to relax for the first time in months.

“I just want to forget, for a little while,” I answer just as quietly, throat clogging with tears I will have to shed at some point. His jaw flexes, and his fingers dance against my scalp lightly.

“Then give me control tonight. Let me take care of you so you don’t have to think.”

My eyes search his, and warmth coils in my gut before seeping through me like fiery poison. My heart thumps just a little bit harder in my chest, and the pulse I feel thudding is between my thighs. What would that be like, to give over something I hold onto so fiercely? The thought is terrifying but somehow exhilarating at the same time. To not have to think? To just exist and be the one cared for? It’s a dream I never imagined would come true in any capacity.

And so, I nod, and he smiles in response, his grin tempered by that teflon glint in his gaze.

“Let’s shower and get high.”

I snort.

“Umm…yeah, okay.”

Now he really does grin, that impish, boyish one that reminds me of a happy dog wagging his tail as he chases stray cats.

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