Page 65 of The Circus

“I was checking out the cemetery. Found him hunkered down in the old mausoleum. Didn’t see his mom, so…”

Gently, I cup the warm kitten and cuddle him close, my heart relaxing another fraction.

“So you’ve been following me,” I say, keeping my eyes away from Teddy’s. I can’t be mad at him when he looks at me the way he is, hurt and scared but also disappointed. Guilt threatens to chew me up and spit me back out.

“I told you, Eden. I’d follow you all over this goddamned universe, across every lifetime.”

He’s angry, his words delivered to my gut like a sucker punch, and my eyes begin to water. Feeling pushed into a corner, I bite back, “So the space you’ve been giving me is just an illusion?”

“No,” he says in exasperation, and that guilt morphs into a beast from which there is no escape. I don’t know how to function around people that actually want to be near me, and so pushing them away feels the safer option.

If I hurt them first, then they can’t hurt me.

“I’d never force you to talk before you’re ready, but I’d never leave you alone, either. You’re…safe, with me, Eden. I know you have a lot to process.”

My eyes flick to his, and I want to break down and sob, want him to hold me together while I fall apart. I’ve kept myself going through every trial I’ve faced, but now I’m just exhausted. Is it so wrong to want to share the burden of life with someone? Someone who understands me in ways no one else ever will? I swallow hard around the lump in my throat, about to speak, but he parts his beautiful lips and beats me to it.

“I refuse to lose you, Eden, especially like this. So talk to me.”

His gaze is potent and unwavering, and I tear my eyes away, rubbing under the kitten’s little chin. His eyes close in contentment, and a soft purr rumbles through his itty bitty chest.

“I’m scared,” I finally whisper. Admitting it tastes bitter coming out, and only serves to stir up more of the emotions I’ve tried so hard to bury. But Teddy waits with a level of patience I never knew someone was capable of, and I search for the right words amongst the jumbled mess in my brain. “I’m terrified to lose you, to lose my dad. I…I’m frozen, but I know these things are coming, and I know I can’t stop them.”

He shifts until he’s on his side next to me, head propped in his hand, small smile wavering on his lips. “You’re never going to lose me. Even if I die, I promise to haunt your ass. Think I can still make you come as a ghost?”

“Teddy,” I laugh, rolling my eyes. He chuckles, reaching out to run his long fingers over the kitten. His purrs double at all the attention he’s receiving. I bite my bottom lip, returning my eyes to the boy I’ve fallen for, and the one thing in life I know I can’t lose. I’ve come to terms with my father’s impending death, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. But if Teddy died?

I’d happily jump off the cliffs I took him to the other day and join him in the afterlife.

“I’m just worried about what Dick and Daniel will do once they find out about…you know…” I trail off, peeking up at him. His jaw is set, his eyes ablaze with the protectiveness I’ve come to recognize and cherish.

“Ifthey find out, then I’ll take care of it, Eden. I…I’ve done this for a while. I know what I’m doing.”

“Is it because of the voices?” I whisper, holding my breath and praying he shares a truth with me. It’s something I’ve pondered since last Tuesday. How many deaths are those nimble hands responsible for? And why? And why doesn’t it frighten me like I know it should?

“Yes,” he whispers, eyes holding mine. His hand comes to rest on my lower stomach, a heavy, reassuring pressure. “Theycan’t live without you, either. They’ve been a little pissed this week.”

“Why?”

His grin flashes like lightning.

“They miss your pussy.”

“Oh my god, Teddy,” I hiss and he laughs. He can never be serious for long, but I love it, how he sees life for all it is and still chooses happiness, even if he finds it in twisted, dark ways.

A lot like me.

His laughter dies down, and my smile fades, and he reaches up to cup my cheek, the little paw of the kitten batting out at a string dangling from his sleeve.

“I’ve murdered nineteen people, including that douchebag this week…and…and including my father.”

Coldness creeps through my veins, and a frigid hand grips the back of my neck as his words sink in. There’s a disconnect, a short circuit somewhere in my brain, because the words register, but they don’t really mean anything to me. Yet my body knows, and the confirmation he’s just shared has my spine stiffening.

“Why?” I whisper, needing to understand in some capacity.

His brows raise briefly, and he looks out the door as he ponders his answer. Clouds move in from the inlet nearby, dark and foreboding ones, and the asylum darkens another few shades. It’s peaceful, and quiet, and I wish for the millionth time we could just stay here forever.

“My father…used to beat my mom, amongst…other things. Badly. One night I just snapped. I knew the voices long before then, and they always told me how to do it, egged me on. But ever since that night…I couldn’t stop myself anymore. It’s a need, just like being with you has become a need.”

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