Page 57 of The Circus

“He seems like a good kid, that Teddy. His mom was sweet.”

I blush. Tara stayed after we left for prom, Betsy offering to give her a ride home since Dick doesn’t allow her to drive. Now I’m nervous for what the parents chatted about while we were absent.

“She made my dress, and did my hair,” I say. There’s a smile in his voice when he answers.

“She told me. Said how sweet you were, that she always wanted a daughter. Seems like she raised her son right, in any case.”

There’s more he’s hinting at, and we both know it, but I think neither of us want to acknowledge it. That omnipresent lump builds in my throat like a wall of stone, impenetrable and aching. He’s fading from me faster than I can wrap my head around, and when he’s gone, I’ll have no family left but the dead. I’ve often wondered if he will return to visit me as a phantom, but I don’tthink he will. He deserves peace in the next life, and I know he will get it.

“He’ll…” Dad clears his throat of his own tears, and mine slips down my temple, wetting his hospital gown. “He’ll take good care of you when I’m gone, won’t he?”

He states it as a question, but there’s a surety in his tone that tells me he knows Teddy will. I swallow hard and nod against him, my whisper rough with tears. “Yes. He will, dad.”

He gives me as much of a squeeze as he can muster.

“Just…keep your eye on the future, Eden. I want you to go on to school. Never rely on another person, in that sense.”

I know what he means, and I do agree with him. Teddy and I haven’t discussed what happens after we get out of the circus, beyond agreeing that we will somehow live at St. Ignatius. Would he want to go to college with me? What would he study? I already know he’d fully support me, just as I would support him. There’s a level of surety within our relationship now that I don’t think many people find in their lifetime.

He is it, I know it in my bones, and no matter the trials, we will face them as one. I sniff, wiping my dripping nose on the sleeve of Teddy’s hoodie. It still smells like him, but mingled with rain and dirt from our little…run through the woods earlier. “I’m sure he will want to get out of Seattle too, dad.”

It’s quiet for another long moment, only the noise of his oxygen tank and labored breathing sounding in the silence of the room.

“He asked me something when you stepped out yesterday.”

This, I perk at, my head popping up, my eyes examining my father’s. They narrow as he smiles softly, reaching up to brush a still-damp tendril of hair from my cheek. Teddy had left me at home to shower and get ready so I could come see my dad, promising to come back tonight so we could work on ourDraculaessays together. I have a feeling those won’t be getting done, though.

“What did he ask?” I growl, stomach flipping. Dad chuckles.

“He asked if I knew how perfect you were. And then…” he trails off, his eyes swimming with tears. Tears, because his time on earth dwindles more each day, but also tears because he is a father watching his only daughter become a woman. “He asked permission to be the one to look after you when I’m gone.”

My chin wobbles, and my throat burns, and the tears I try so hard to keep in spill over and flow down my cheeks. He brushes them away with his thumbs, holding my face between his warm, papery hands.

“What did you…what did you say?” I croak. He smiles, and for the first time in a long time, it’s genuine and bright and filled with happiness.

“I asked if he was up for the task. To which he said, life is boring without a little bit of a challenge.”

We both laugh, because his answer is perfect, and I can see how relieved my father is, knowing that I finally have friends who will truly look after me when he is gone. It may have taken the entirety of my life to get here, but it was worth the wait.

I bite my lip, eyes flicking between my dad’s.

“I really, really like him,” I breathe. He nods, as though he already knows this.

“I can tell. Just be careful, Edie. You two are still so young. Go live life before you get too serious.”

I don’t bother telling him it’s too late for that, that both Teddy and I have already shouldered responsibilities meant for those far older than us. For now, I’ll just cling to the hope that one day, it will get better. One day, all of this shit will end, and we can be free in our happiness together amongst the dead.

But if life has taught me anything, it’s that things always get worse before they get better.

THIRTY-THREE

TEDDY

“I thinkwe’re past keeping secrets,” Eden grumbles across from me in Literature. We’re supposed to be teamed up and correcting one another’sDraculaessays, the final draft due on Friday. Hers is brilliant, of course, connecting William Brodey, Robert Louis Stevenson, Jack the Ripper, andDraculain a seamless way, tracing back the inspiration for heinous crimes and works of art. Her point being that essentially, everything inspires something—even a murderer.

“Oh, we are, are we?” I tease, underlining a wordy phrase in her essay. Her violet eyes cut to the motion of my pen, her lips tensing in annoyance. Eden is a perfectionist, but so am I. Iron sharpens iron and all that. Just another reason we’re meant to be. Sassily, she crosses out a line in my paper, and I have to fight back the urge to laugh.

She’s a little brat, I’ve discovered, and every time I think of her giggling as she ran naked through the woods, my cock swells to nearly its full length and weeps at the fact we’re stuck in literal hell at school with not many chances to fuck. I love it, the way she’s flourishing into herself with me. I know we both have kinks, obviously, but we now have the chance to learn themtogether. I don’t know their names, or why we have them, but it feels right, everything we explore with one another.

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