Page 41 of The Circus

I wish he had put his snakebites back in.

“Eden…I know you’re too sweet to hold me accountable for how I treated you these last four years,” he begins, and my cheeks start to heat. “I’ll never forgive myself for watching you suffer. There’s no excuse good enough, other than I was self-absorbed and busy hating the world. I’ll spend the rest of this lifetime, and every lifetime after, trying to make it up to you. And I hope you know that I expect you to keep me in line.”

He flashes me a grin, and I answer it softly, my heart aching and tears clogging my throat. I’m going to ruin the striking masterpiece he created on my face earlier, smoky eyes and dark red lips to match my dress. But I tease him back with brevity, choosing to think happy thoughts until later, when ruining my makeup won’t matter.

“I don’t think I could keep you in line,” I laugh, shaking my head. His eyes dance, never leaving mine.

“I think you’re the only person alive who stands a chance.”

My smile fades like the waning sunset, and something foreboding grips at my chest, sinking into my stomach. I feel like he’s trying to tell me something, but whatever it is, I don’t know. Not yet. But I think I will learn, and soon. This road we’re heading down is fraught with peril and sorrow…I just hope there’s an end in sight, and I hope that it’s happy for the two of us.

“I’ll do that,” I say with a nod. “But…”

I chew my lip, ready to spill my own truth to him, no matter how much I think it will hurt him. “I don’t forgive you. I’m…I’m not there, not yet.”

He grins lopsidedly, his reaction unexpected but forceful.

“Good. You shouldn’t. I was an asshole, and so was Cash, so be sure to make him apologize, too.”

I snort, rolling my eyes.

“He tried during pickleball. Tied Brant’s shoelaces together when he called me a freak.”

Teddy bursts forth with more of that rich laughter I’m growing to love, and I smile back. He grips my fingers in his, giving them a squeeze.

“Will you do me the honor of introducing me to your dad?”

Feeling a little lighter, I nod.

“Wow…lovebug, you look…”

I shake my head with a light laugh, standing beside my father’s bed, gaze forever searching his face. His eyes have sunken another degree, his cheeks paler and his hair longer, shaggier. But he beams with pride, tears pooling in his eyes.

Teddy and the rest are waiting outside the room, giving me a few minutes alone with him. I didn’t think I’d need it, but I do, and I grip my father’s weak fingers, sinking down onto the edge of his lumpy bed. “Is it too much?”

He smiles, reaching up to brush a strand of hair from my cheek. Tara and Teddy attacked my messy bun, curling my long locks before pinning them up, referencing the photo of Helena to get the look just right. “No, Eden. You’re beautiful. And you’re happy. I haven't seen you smile like this in…in a long time.”

Again, I have to fight against the incoming tears that threaten to consume me.

“Yeah,” I whisper, clearing my throat of the emotions lodged there. “Yeah I…I am happy. Why does that feel so wrong right now?”

He smiles at me, but there’s sorrow in his eyes, as deep as any physical wound would go. “You feel the need to be sad for me, lovebug, but that’s not what I want for you. I’m beyond happy, Eden. I’ve been so blessed to watch you become the kind, brilliant woman you are, and I can leave this life knowing that you’ll be okay.”

Tears cascade down my cheeks like a waterfall after a monsoon, and I can’t respond. He squeezes my hand as tight as he’s able, emphasizing his next words. “Eden, I want you to be happy. You deserve every good thing in this world after all you’ve gone through. And if that boy out there makes you happy, then that’s all I could ever ask for.”

“He does,” I croak, smiling wanly through my tears before I laugh. That feeling of joy juxtaposed with so much despair is hard to swallow down. “He does make me happy. I think…you’ll like him.”

He rubs his thumb across the back of my hand.

“Let me scare him a little. I’ll like him even more, then.”

“Dad!” I laugh, dabbing at my wet cheeks. He grins, pressing the nurse button on his bedside remote. The line crackles.

“Nurse’s station, what can we help you with?”

“Can you send in Betsy with that surprise, please?”

My brows furrow, and my stomach winds up like a frightened snake.

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