Page 33 of The Circus

He laughs, those lines around his perfect lips forming, throat bobbing. In my exhausted state, I can’t help but smile with him, albeit timidly.

“You’re more than welcome to. I hope you know I’m not going to force anything…” he trails off, eyes searching mine. A drop of adrenaline sinks into my belly, moving lower and lower until I’m subconsciously rubbing my thighs together beneath the stifling blankets.

“I know,” I mutter hotly.

“You’re still nervous, though.”

“Of course I’m nervous,” I snap. His eyes continue to hold mine, and my hands begin to tremble. I grip the mug tighter, attempting to hide my anxiety and arousal. It’s so confusing, to feel so many things in the presence of one person. The fact that Teddy can make me feel anything besides fear or loathing is a testament to who he is as a person, and of all the people I could’ve chosen to lose my innocence to, I’m thankful it was him.

“What are you most nervous about?”

Dropping my eyes to the murky tea water, I shrug, fiddling with the papery tab at the end of the string.

“Pain?” he suggests. I peek up at him, gnaw my lip, and shrug. I’m not about to admit that to him. Not about to journey along the road of my upbringing in a fucking cult and the sick man who hurt me. I know there are ways to pleasure myself…but every time I’ve tried, I get too nervous and wrapped up in my own head and I stop. When you’re constantly told that sins of the flesh are especially immoral, you begin to think yourself dirty. For years, I knew I was destined for Hell because of those five hour long sermons we attended.

Now, I know I’m heading straight there…but Teddy will be right beside me.

“I won’t ever hurt you, Eden. Not like that.”

His voice is soft, his eyes swimming with desire and lust and a protectiveness I don’t understand, but one that makes me feel warm all the same.

“I know,” I whisper back.

“Will you tell me the truth?”

A lump settles in my throat, and I shake my head. I don’t want to think about that right now. I’ll face it after prom, after we have sex. But right now, I just want to be a teenager for once. He doesn’t push for more, and I’m thankful.

“Will you tell me about your dad?”

That lump grows, and I say, “Like you don’t know. Cash’s mom is his nurse. One of them.”

He smiles blandly.

“I’d rather hear it from you. I want to meet him.”

My brows rise in shock. “Wh-what? You what?”

He smirks. “I want to meet him. Preferably on Saturday. You’ll meet my mom.”

Curiosity piqued, I nod slowly. “Isn’t she married to…to…”

His frown is filled with barely contained rage. “She is, but not by choice.”

So Dick has his claws in everyone, it seems.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I can’t imagine how…hard life must be for him, having his mom be married to that piece of shit, now having to be at the circus with me. I can only wonder when Dick will force Teddy into a situation like mine, selling his body to greedy patrons. It strikes me, then, like lightning. No wonder Teddy never really stepped in when I was being bullied. He had a lot going on behind the scenes, and a lot he couldn’t do because his filthy step dad teaches at our school. I don’t forgive him, not yet, but it makes the last four years of his absence a little more understandable.

He stands lithely, gently pushing my chair back under the desk, eyes lingering on my books and trinkets there. A tattered copy ofDracula, a weathered piece of driftwood from Seaside, Oregon, and another book close to falling apart. It’s that one his fingers brush over, the black cover with a single swirl of white cigarette smoke comforting and familiar to me.

“You read this a lot before bed.”

I should be annoyed—disgusted, even—but being seen by someone for the first time—reallyseen—is addictive, and warmth pools in my lower belly. His eyes skirt to mine, and he grins softly. “What’s it about?”

I shrug, taking a gulp of cooling tea.

“Looking for Alaska. The girl’s name is Alaska. She’s…kind of a misfit, but she’s friends with other misfits, and they go to a boarding school.”

He grins, plucking it from my desk and flipping it over. As soon as I was free from the hell my mother put me in, my dad took me to the bookstore and let me buy anything I wanted. I’d never read anything like it, and the emotions it unearthed within me are nostalgic now.

---