Page 13 of The Circus

“It’s a plant, mom. And it’s going to be legalized soon anyways.” Reaching into my pocket, I produce a lighter and relight it, sucking in a substantial amount before releasing an opaque cloud into the night. When I’m done, I hold it out to her.

Lips mashed together, her glare deepens. “You know I don’t do that stuff.”

“Yeah, but I wish you would. It’d help you sleep.”

The corners of her eyes crinkle, a soft smile tugging at her lips. I take another hit, warmth flowing through me, the weed washing my memories of Eden away for the time being. All I’d wanted to do was be a typical, hormonal teenage boy and stare at her tits, but I knew she’d hate me even more than she already does if I slipped and did that. Now, my mind circulates on a loop, poking at all the defenses Dick has put in place, searching endlessly for a way out—for me, my mother, and now Eden.

What kind of sick fucks parade around a barely-legal girl to perverted men like that? The other girls are at least a few years older, are there willingly from what I gather. Eden wouldn’t be there unless she had to be, and so I need to figure out a way to get us all out before it snowballs into something far worse.

“Where were you tonight?” she asks, her soft voice pulling me from my dark thoughts. She knows better than to ask it, but she does every time, her eyes always searching me to ensure I’m intact. But I roll my eyes all the same, because I am her son,and she is my mom, and as much as I love her, she still has the capacity to annoy the shit out of me.

“Not murdering anyone, if that makes you feel better.”

“Teddy Poe,” she gasps, swatting at me. I chuckle, bringing the joint back to my lips, the rough paper moist, the taste potent on my tongue. She releases a heavy sigh, turning her attention to the pool we never use. It’s all for show, this house, the cars, the landscaping. Dick gives us nothing in return. A measly allowance once a month for my mother and I to split. We’ve lived off rice and beans and canned tuna for years now. Whenever I do end up killing someone, it’s always a nice surprise to find cash on them. A little bonus for all my hard work, ridding the world of pedophiles and psychopaths. “What kind of life did I force you into?”

Her muttered words are a question not meant to be answered, but they sting, an arrow to my heart.

“You didn’t force me into anything,” I growl, flicking my ashes into the pool. She says nothing about my surliness, but her eyes—the exact shade of mine—waver with thousands of emotions, most centering around sorrow and guilt. My frown deepens. “Mom…I would’ve done it eventually. I always…knew I was…different,” I say, searching for the right words to remain tactful yet honest.

She hugs herself tighter, her frame far too skinny to be healthy, her hair growing more gray by the day. I’m losing her, slowly and painfully, and once she’s gone, I worry I really will devolve into that monster everyone fears. She’s the only thing standing between me and my voices.

“You were different, even as a baby,” she reminisces, and I smile, watching the side of her face as she comes alive in the moonlight. “Never cried unless you were mad. Or unless…he held you.”

He, meaning my piece of shit dead father.

“I’m just a good judge of character,” I growl. She snorts, shaking her head.

“I wish I had been, but then I never would’ve had you. I will never regret a single thing. You are my pride and joy.”

Her voice wobbles with unshed tears, and she keeps her gaze on the water. Her hand begins to tremble, and she hides it beneath her bicep. Worry is unfamiliar to me, but lately it gnaws at my stomach like a dog chewing a bone. If she has something wrong with her, I have no idea where to even begin to fix it. So to distract myself, I continue on the same path our conversation is naturally taking.

“What’s it like, having a kid?”

She barks out a laugh, covering her mouth quickly when the neighbor’s cat hisses and sprints from behind the bushes. I grin lopsidedly at her.

“Oh, honey. You’ll understand someday.”

My eyes search hers as my smile fades.

“Tell me.”

Her lips thin, and she arches a brow at me. “Do you have something to tellme?”

It’s my turn to snort. “Nah, don’t need to worry about that yet. Just curious. I don’t know…I just don’t understand it. It’s hard to envision having that type of connection.”

Her cold fingers smooth over my bare arm, my band tee still smelling like smoke and musk from the circus. That soft smile has returned, a knowing glint in her wise gaze. “It’s not something you have to work for. It just…exists. The moment you lock eyes. You’d…endure anything to protect them. You’d burn the world for them without a second of hesitation. It’s the purest love there is.”

She swallows hard, eyes glassy, and grips my arm.

“Despite whatever you think you are, Teddy, you aregood,” she emphasizes, patting my chest above my heart. “You are goodand pure, and I wish everyday things could be different for us. I pray that someday you’ll find your peace. Maybe it will be when you look intoyourchild’s eyes.”

My nose wrinkles. Kids. I’m way too fucking young to think about that right now, and I don’t know that I’d be a good parent. Definitely not a normal one. And my spawn would definitely have a dark, murderous streak in them. My father did, and he used it for evil. He passed it to me, and I righted his wrongs. What if my kids end up killing me?

“You’d give them the life you never had, Teddy, and I think there’s something…tragically beautiful about that.”

She pats my chest again, turning to leave with tears in her eyes. I let her go, my mind returning to Eden. I’d want that, with someone like her, I think. She’d be sweet and caring but tough when necessary, and I could care for all of us in the way I desire. Maybe they’d have her eyes, beautiful gemstones that haunt the hell out of me.

“Fuck me,” I growl, shoving the remainder of my joint into my pocket. The voices begin to reawaken and rejoice as I slink across the yard to the alley behind the house, each footfall bringing me closer and closer to my obsession.

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