Page 74 of The Game

Just like Teddy.

Silently, I creep inside, my shoes rough against the dirty ground. The asylum seems to breathe a sigh of relief as I stand in the middle of the derelict foyer, the walls hugging me gently, the lost souls understanding my pain without even having to try. It’s oddly comforting. I can envision myself laying in that patch of sun for hours, watching as the rays shift along the walls, knowing I am protected and safe here because my soul is just as dark. I’d never disrespect the dead, and they’d seek me out for their own comfort.

Tears pool in my eyes before I pinch them closed and squeeze them out, a soft smile dancing upon my lips. The brush of a breeze against my cheeks can’t be from outside; the air is still and stagnant today, and so my smile widens, a blanket of ease gently draped around my shoulders. I am not alone. Even amongst the dead, you’re never alone.

So when his voice drifts to me from everywhere and nowhere, it doesn’t frighten me, but rather ignites me.

“Lost, little bunny?”

I slowly peel my eyes open, allowing them to adjust to the sudden brightness, before I find him standing in the shadows of a darkened hallway. He’s still just as serene, just as lethal, just as hauntingly beautiful as I remember in all of my nightmares where I am begging for him to save me. Those teal eyes pierce the veil between the living and the dead, and for the first time, I truly wonder his thoughts on ghosts, but I stow it away for later as I answer truthfully, “Not anymore.”

* * *

I straddle his lap, my arms as tight around his torso as I can manage to get them, my head tucked under his chin as I breathe in his scent of leather and smoke and pepper. He sifts through my hair with his long fingers, and we just breathe against one another, saying everything we need to say without saying anything at all. Sun warms my cheeks, and though the air is tinged with crisp coldness, I am warm.

“Missed you, bunny,” he finally says softly. I squeeze him tighter and fight the tears, but he chuckles, thumb rubbing against the side of my neck. “You can cry. You don’t need to be strong around me.”

Unable to fight it, I do. I weep against him as he holds me back even tighter. At some point, I think he’s crying, too, as he rocks me gently from side to side.

“I don’t…I don’t want to go back, Teddy. I want to stay here forever,” I cry against his black hoodie. That’s another thing I miss; the color black. All my clothes are the same as when I left—pinks and mauves and white. It’s not me, not anymore. I crave the darkness he brought out in me, the strength I found myself capable of because he pushed me to, because he called out all my bullshit and made me see myself as the world sees me. I never want to go back to that, and perhaps that’s the most frightening thing of all.

“But you have to, Alice, and I do, too. Yeah, we have a choice, but I’m not done earth-side yet, and I don’t think you are, either.”

I get what he’s saying; we could both choose to end it, to be done with this pain and suffering, and it has crossed my mind often from the moment I awoke. But death is so big, so final, that I can never quite wrap my head around it, even if it sounds peaceful.

“Why aren’t you done?” I croak before I sniffle. He gently rubs my back, breathing in and out slow and deep as he always does. He’s so in control I doubt he realizes just how much he truly is.

“You should see my mother smile,” he says softly, and I can hear the joy in his voice. “Fuck. I have maybe a few years left with her. She’s trapped in her mind. She knew something wasn’t right, but now that I’m able to see her everyday…I just want her last few years to be happy, peaceful.”

Tears build and race down my cheeks again, ones of sorrow for all the time he missed and all the shit she had to go through, but also ones of happiness that their hell is over, that they are able to spend any amount of time together before her disease claims her life.

“She’s lucky to have a son like you,” I whisper. He squeezes me in response before he speaks.

“So much changed that night, Alice. I know you’re hurting, confused, and fuck…I hope you know I am, too.”

Smiling as I fiddle with one of the ties on his hoodie, I nod.

“You’re too pure.”

He snorts.

“Sure, bunny, keep telling yourself that,” he teases back as we both laugh softly, and it feels so good, my chest suddenly so full. But with that comes the constant reminder of all I lost. Smiling feels a betrayal, as though I should still be somber and mourning.

“Do you…were you happy?” I whisper, so softly I almost think he doesn’t catch it. He’s still for a moment before he speaks.

“You have no idea, Alice. I’ve…always wanted kids, because I want to be able to give them the life I never had. The second I realized why you were so sick…fuck…” he trails off as I tense against him. “I wish I could’ve protected you, our baby. That is something that I’ll take with me to my grave.”

Before I can stop myself, I sob against him, and he gently resumes his rocking, allowing me to feel my emotions as they hit me instead of pressuring me for answers. But hearing he was happy somehow soothes me, and I speak the words hidden in my heart that’ve been festering for a while now.

“It just fucking sucks,” I croak before I sniffle. “My…my life changed in the span of a second, and I was scared and happy and so many emotions, but I…I knew I would do anything for that little peanut. So to have it ripped from me the very same day is just…”

“…devastating,” he finishes for me, and I nod. True to Teddy’s nature, though, he finds the beauty in our sorrow. “I think everything has a soul, Alice, and everything leaves its mark. And I think for us, it’s never going to go away. We just have to look for that mark.”

I understand what he means, and the urge to tease him hits me so hard I cannot hold it back.

“So that’s why you hang out in abandoned asylums?”

His long fingers drift to my sides and he squeezes me for teasing him, but I can hear his small chuckle.

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