Page 36 of Might as Well

“You mean it?” she asks, ignoring my comment. “You’re sure?”

I barely nod my head before she launches herself at me. The fire, the passion, the attraction—it is all-consuming, heady, and lights a blaze within me. This? The heat between us? I’ve never felt anything like it. It’s seamless. Easily nurtured. It’s a strongundercurrent, threatening to pull me out to sea and I don’t give one single damn. Let me drown in the ocean as long as I never have to lose this. Lose the ability to touch her, please her, surrender to her.

I told her I thought I could love her. It’s both thrilling and terrifying as I realize I more than think I could love her. It’s easy to picture her as my wife. That kind of future is one I want badly; Violet could give me that. And the love I could give her in return is one she deserves so damn bad. She actually deserves better and I already know I’ll do everything in my power to give her that.

CHAPTER 11

VIOLET

There is nothing quite like waking up next to Zane Landry. A delicious stretch helps wake me up. My body brushes against his, reminding me of the bliss from the night before. The arm he has lying across my waist tightens as if I may sneak out of bed too soon.

“I’m not letting you up to watch the news with your cup of coffee. Best I can do is let you watch the news in here.”

I chuckle. “I’m okay.”

“Go back to sleep then. Way too fucking early.” A kiss lands on my shoulder.

Problem is, I can’t sleep. Everything from yesterday hits me all over again. Graham got a girl pregnant. And he’s leaving me for the military. What am I supposed to do with that? Is that even the right choice for him? Was there something else I could’ve done to put him in a better position by this point in his life? Why do I feel as if I’ve failed him?

“Babe,” Zane’s voice grumbles from behind me. “Too early for you to worry too.”

“I didn’t even know he was seeing someone, Zane. I don’t know her name, if she’s good for him, how long they’ve been together. Nothing. And now there’s a baby.”

“Violet.” Zane’s tone is stern, yet somehow gentle. “He’s grown and he officially can take care of himself and the issues he creates. Just be supportive, but not to the point that you are still taking care of him.” Zane pauses and then asks, “Do you want kids one day?”

I sigh. “Honestly haven’t given it much thought. Why think of something when I’ve never even been in the position to make it happen and had no idea if I ever would be?” Zane may be around now, but I still haven’t thought too much on it.

So…maybe I don’t want kids? I don’t know. There’s always so much other shit on my plate, kids are the last thing on my mind. Deciding to give Zane a bit more honesty, I add, “Sometimes, when I have thought about it, I don’t like the idea. If I were to ever have kids and something were to happen to me…” My chest aches at the thought. “I couldn’t do that to them.” It’s bad enough I worry about it with Graham.

Zane holds me tighter against him. “Oh, Violet,” he whispers.

I wait for him to say something reassuring, but he doesn’t. “That’s it?” I can’t help but prompt.

“That’s it,” he confirms with regret. “I can’t reassure you that nothing like that will happen because I won’t promise something I have no control over. Do I think that should stop you? No. Letting your fears rule your way of living isn’t living at all. It breaks my heart that you even worry about something like that, but all I can do is tell you that pushing past your fear and really living is the best thing you could do. It will make it worth it.”

Maybe.

“Get some more rest before you go deal with Graham.”

I close my eyes, wiggle closer to Zane, and do my best to do as he asked. Sleeping next to him and being enveloped in his comfort isn’t enough to soothe the worry. All too soon, we part ways and I return home. To my surprise, Graham is home. Hesits on the couch, staring at the Christmas tree when I walk in. All the attitude he normally has doesn’t seem present today.

I take a seat next to him and rest my head on his shoulder.

“Do you love her?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“How long have you been dating?”

“A year.”

Good lord. A year? “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Graham sighs. “I don’t know, Vi. I’m still just so fucking pissed about Grandma and it doesn’t help that I don’t really remember Mom and Dad. It’s fucked up. You’re so fucking nice to me. You act like nothing is wrong, like what you did was right, and you carry on as if we didn’t lose everything. It’s infuriating.”

My body stiffens and I lift my head. “Excuse me? I can barely get out of bed sometimes. I struggle every single day. Just because you don’t see it or don’t pay attention to it doesn’t mean everything is hunky fucking dory, Graham. I can’t believe you! And then you’re pissed because I’mnice?”

I take a deep breath and remind myself that I don’t want to argue with my brother with every conversation we have. “Can I please meet her? I know things have been rough, but there’s going to be a baby. We both need to get our shit together. I want to be there for you, for her, and for the baby. Aren’t you tired? Tired of being angry all the time? I know I am.”

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