Page 52 of Loving Luna

“Ah. And my little commitment-phobe didn’t like the picture she painted.” He sighed, raised our hands to his lips and pressed a kiss on my knuckles. “Thoughts like that are normal after things like this happen, babe. I’ve probably had some of the same ones if I’m being honest.”

The admission surprised me, but I let it go. This wasn’t about the crazy thoughts I’d had but what I’d done about them. “I tried to work through things. I tried to tell myself the fears would pass. I tried to go about my day and act like everything was normal. But I just… I couldn’t.”

He was finally listening. His brows furrowed, as if he knew he probably wouldn’t like what he heard next. “Where did you go? Did you just go back to your suite for a while?”

“I tried to, but I couldn’t. I was… I don’t know what was wrong with me. It was like I had all these jumbled thoughts rattling around in my brain and I couldn’t-wouldn’t let them out. I felt so… selfish, and… worthless. I felt so damn guilty. But I was so scared, Drake. I was so afraid of losing you someday in the future, I was ready?—”

“Ready to run,” he cut me off, his expression grim. “But you didn’t. You’re here.”

“I had some help working through shit,” I admitted. Before he could say anything else, I blurted, “I played with someone else, Daddy.”

Drake dropped my hand like it was a hot potato and heat rushed up my body, settling in my face. “Who?” he demanded.

I could tell he was expecting the worst. I’d bungled this confession already. Big surprise.

“I texted Maureen. We weren’t… I didn’t text her to scene, or anything like that. We were just supposed to meet for coffee and talk. But I couldn’t. It was like the thoughts were stuck in my brain. I couldn’t even get them out to work through them.”

Drake’s lips twisted to the side as he contemplated my words. Finally, he nodded. “Go on.”

“Maureen asked if a release would help. I told her I couldn’t, but…”

“You let her spank you.” It wasn’t a question and his face didn’t give away how he was feeling about it. Without waiting for my confirmation, he asked, “Did it help?”

“I’m here, aren’t I? Trying to talk?”

Drake didn’t say anything and heaved a deep sigh.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.” I hung my head. “I know I broke our agreement, and I promise it truly will not happen again. But it was just Maureen, and at the time… I wasn’t sure if our agreements mattered.”

“You mean you weren’t sure you were gonna come back,” he surmised. “The spanking… it helped?”

“It did. I was able to get my fears out, and Maureen was able to help me through them. And she helped me see that love was a risk, always, but one worth taking. She helped me see that losing you would hurt no matter when or how or how many memories we made between then and now. Because I already love you.She helped me not be so afraid of the future that I give up great things in the present.”

Confliction was written all over Drake’s face when he finally spoke. “I know big emotions are hard for you. I’m really glad you had Maureen to help you and that you were able to work things through. And I’m really glad you’re back. But, babygirl…”

“I should have come to you. I know.”

“I understand why you didn’t. I even understand why you felt like you couldn’t. And in the future, I’d be willing to have Maureen as a no-permission-needed play partner. But?—”

“But we didn’t have that in place,” I finished for him.

“We really never even had time to consider stuff like that.”

“I know. This…” I didn’t finish my sentence.

“The timing sucked,” he finished for me, laughing at how ridiculous it was to lament the timing of his dad’s death in relation to our budding relationship. “It’s not ideal. I understand that you were in an impossible situation.”

“Right.”

Drake’s understanding was completely reasonable. So why did I feel disappointed? Was I hoping that he’d get mad at me? That he’d be the one to call it off? To break up with me? I didn’t think that was it.

“Baby.”

Drake picked my hand back up, and I melted inside. I lifted my gaze to meet his and my breath hitched at what I saw there.

“It would be tempting to just say that it was okay, and I was thankful, and your actions were understandable. It’s tempting to just move on and get busy showing you just how thankful I am for everything you’ve done this week, and to move on. But I don’t think that’s what you need, is it?”

Fuck. How did he do that? How did this man know me better than I knew myself? How was it that he could put my thoughts and feelings into words long before I could? “No, Daddy.”

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