Page 45 of Loving Luna

I could… call a friend. Normally, I’d call Drake. But he wasn’t my only option. Sensibly I knew that.

My only other real option was teaching a class of her own right now, probably. Even with the University on break, the education classes were still going on, and Maureen might be teaching one. Was she? I squinted, staring into space as I tried to recall Maureen’s schedule. In the end, I couldn’t.

I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text because it felt like it was the only semi-productive thing I actually could do in the moment. For a split second I considered asking her to meet me in the Dungeon, and any other time I totally would have. A good session felt like just what I needed at the moment, but Drake…

I’d promised him I wouldn’t play with others without permission, and though I was certain that Maureen would be an automatic “yes” from him, I obviously wasn’t about to ask. So I settled for asking her to meet me in the cafe whenever she could.

And then I headed down there to sit and wait, because for some reason, being in my room hurt too much.

Thankfully, no sooner had I gotten a cup of coffee and a booth and started scrolling on my phone, Maureen messaged.

I’ll be there in thirty.

By the time she arrived, I was on my second coffee and picking apart a muffin. She waved when she entered, headed to the counter to order herself a drink, then slid in across from me with an encouraging smile.

“Hey there. I’m glad you texted. I’ve been thinking about you. How’s it going?” She waited a beat, then added, “Don’t forget you promised you’d be the one baring your heart and soul on our next coffee date.”

To my absolute horror, I promptly burst into tears.

Maureen instantly jumped into action, sliding out from her seat and joining me in my side of the booth, wrapping her arms around me as she pulled my head to her chest.

As thankful as I was for her caring and her friendship, I felt like an ass. “Oh god,” I sobbed. “I can’t believe I just did that. What a baby I am. God, I’m so selfish.” I tried to pull away, but Maureen held tight.

“Stop.” Her voice held a tone I’d only heard when we played together in the Dungeon and was stern enough to halt my struggling and the mean words falling from my mouth. Out of instinct and pure impulse, I met her gaze. The fierce love and understanding I saw there took my breath away, but it didn’t quite chase away the feelings of being pathetic and selfish. What was I even doing crying? I wasn’t the one who’d lost a parent.

“Sorry.” I grabbed a napkin off the table and wiped my eyes, “I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s so dumb. I just… I’m sorry, I tried to study in the library, but I couldn’t focus. My suite felt weird, and I don’t want to go back to Drake’s apartment. He’s there with his mom, and…” I trailed off.

“You’ve spent all week being the strong one. You’ve held together your own grief for the sake of theirs. It’s noble, and I’m so glad you were able to do that, to be there for them, but sooner or later, you have to confront your own emotions.”

I nodded because I knew she was right. I could feel them hovering on the precipice of my consciousness, fighting to be recognized, but I was afraid to let them in. I had a feeling they were very ugly things, selfish and fearful and if I gave them even an ounce of acknowledgement they’d take over, and who knew what would happen then?

I grabbed another napkin and dabbed my eyes before blowing my nose into it and setting it back on the table. I met Maureen’s concerned gaze and shook my head. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I just can’t…” I trailed off. “I just don’t…”

Ugh. Why couldn’t I voice a full thought? My emotions felt all blocked up, dead and yet very much alive. I wondered if this was how Drake felt when he got that blank, dazed look in his eyes.

“You need to do something for yourself right now. Drake will understand. What will make you feel better?”

I knew the answer. Instantly. I knew it in my soul, but it was the one thing I couldn’t have. I shook my head, my throat tight and my eyes stinging from holding back fresh tears.

Maureen’s scrutinizing gaze burned through me. “You need a release,” she surmised. “A long, hard spanking that forces you to confront the emotions plaguing you and weed through them, to see what comes to light.”

God, yes. I knew she was right. I needed a spanking. Badly. I had for days. The need had been a huge source of my guilt, even though I knew it shouldn’t be. Pain was my coping mechanism of choice. Still, it wasn’t an option.

“I can’t.” My voice cracked.

Maureen cocked her head to the side. “Are you sure? I don’t have any more classes today. I’m off for the afternoon.” Her gaze softened. “We don’t even have to go to the Dungeon. We could use a private room in the Dungeon or go to your suite, or even to my place. Trent has something going all day. We could easily get some privacy if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No.” I shook my head, everything inside me wanting to give in. “No, that’s not it. I can’t… we said…. It’s a rule. I need to…” Fuck. I sounded like an idiot. Why couldn’t I get a simple sentence out? Drawing a breath and wiping my eyes, I tried again. “It’s not that I can’t scene with other people, it’s just that I promised Drake I’d get his permission first.”

“Ah.” Maureen nodded. “Trent and I have that too, but there are some people that are automatic yeses.” She grinned. “You’re one of those people for me.”

I nodded. “And I’m sure… I’m sure you would be for me as well, but we haven’t even gotten that far. We made the rule, and then…”

Maureen nodded, understanding what I wasn’t saying. Her expression was thoughtful, and she was silent for several minutes. Finally she sucked in a breath. “As a Domme, I really shouldn’t be saying this, so don’t ever tell anyone I did, but sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission and sometimes it’s okay to put your own needs first.”

“I don’t know…” I so badly wanted to do just that, but imagining doing so made me feel like I was thoughtless, careless and selfish. Not fit for a relationship. All my old fears raced to the surface. “Wouldn’t that make me…”

“Human?” Maureen interjected. “Someone who was practicing self-care in a situation where it was desperately needed?” She sighed. “Look, I wouldn’t condone or even suggest it in any other circumstances, but these aren’t just any circumstances, babe. These are extenuating ones. Everyone would agree.”

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