Page 32 of Christmas with the Baby Daddy

“Oh, sure, his calculations might be a few months off then, all right. He’ll still put it together.”

“Maybe not.”

She shot me a dubious look. “He’s not stupid.”

No, but I am to clam up and botch this.I hated how I’d kept it from him. Before, I had no direct way to contact him. And no point to, either. He prioritized being in the military and his coveted career in the services—end of. I didn’t want to take that away from him. Now that his beloved career was no longer a viable option, I felt like I was wading through murky water and messing up at this thing called life.

“You still don’t think he should know?” She scrunched her face up, grimacing.

“I think he should know—in other circumstances.”

Furrowing her brow, she gaped at me and crossed her arms. “What other circumstances? It’s not a conditionally acquired fact.”

“Circumstances as in Zach would stay here for more than a few weeks.”

“He’s not?”

“No. He’s not going to stay in Vernford. He doesn’t see how he could have a purpose here after no longer being in the military. And I get that. He’s always been so headstrong and stuck on following in his father’s footsteps of being a career military man, of being far away.” I flung my arms out. “He’s probably got too much wanderlust to want to stay in one place now. Too much wanderlust to stayhereand settle down at all.”

“But if he knew he had a kid…” She raised her brows in a silent question. “If he could have you?”

I shook my head. “No way. LikeIwould be enough to make him want to stay here and be happy? Like the sudden impulse to be a parent would convince him?” Despising the sorrow in my tone, I looked at her and wished it didn’t have to be this complicated. Sitting next to him in that truck was awkward, but it was Zach. He was safe. He was familiar. Even though I tried my hardest to shut off all thoughts about that night, just being in his presence had challenged me to remember it all in vivid detail. Then when he caught me from the snow and held me close, it was nearly impossible to shove all those memories back into the recesses of my mind. He lingered in my head, taunting me to think back to how his hard body felt against mine, how feverish his kisses were, and how deep he’d sunk into me and brought me to so much pleasure.

“I don’t matter. I never did. He never reached out after Kevin’s death.” Neither did I, but I had a reason—to hide his son. “I am still nothing more than his best friend’s little sister. Someone untouchable and off-limits.”

She huffed. “Off-limits except for that one night.”

When she said it, it sounded so finite. Like closure.Onenight. That was it. After being near him again, though, I couldn’t turn off the teeny voice in my head and the stubborn pull on my heart that wondered if he could feel anything more toward me.

“One night,” I agreed, banishing the fleeting hopes I had no business allowing. “We lapsed that one night, and that’s all that would ever happen between us.”

She pursed her lips, sadder now.

“A lapse that shouldn’t have happened but did. All because we’d crashed and come together through the grief of my brother’s death. It wasn’t planned. It just happened in our weakest moments.”

“I know it wasn’t planned…”

“Besides, he’s not staying. He doesn’t want to commit to being here now, so I’m not quick to assume he’d jump on the prospect of wanting to stay here for longer. You can’t expect a man who’s spent twenty years on the move and out of a civilian lifestyle to just come home and slide right into the role of a daddy.”

“I know, but… I think he should know.”

“To what purpose?” Deep down, I was afraid that he’d hate me and scorn George because we would represent so much of a responsibility and burden to be here. “He’s not going to be around here forever. He said that, not me. And what good would it do to George? What good would it do to Zach? I would much rather have George not know who his father is than know but also have to accept that his father didn’t want him.”

“You don’t know that’s how he’ll react. Maybe he could be thrilled about this.”

I gave her a dull, blank expression. “He said he’s leaving right after the holidays, Sara. And since he’s a man who’s always left when he said he would, there isn’t a chance in hell I’ll believe he would genuinely go through a one-eighty and change who he is at the core—a man who needs big, bad, and dangerous missions and adventures to feel alive. A man who has zero interest in hanging around his hometown.”

She frowned, hanging her head.

“And it’s not right for George, to get his hopes up high at meeting his dad, only to watch him leave.” It would break my heart to witness my son dealing with that.

“I just don’t think sticking with these lies is the way to go…” she said gently.

Iknewsticking with this huge secret was wrong. But it also seemed like the only way to go about it.

In a month, he’d disappear from my life again.

And that thought rattled me because I was just that kind of a hopeless romantic to yearn for a future with him.

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