Page 14 of Christmas with the Baby Daddy

Every night, once I didn’t have anyone to talk to after Grandma Jenny and Amanda were in bed and I was in the apartment over the garage, I would stare up at the ceiling and feel so damn lost.

Alone.

But mostly lost.

Amanda was a senior in high school, so it wasn’t as though I could hang out with her much to preoccupy myself. Grandma Jenny was equally busy and had a full schedule with her catering business. I hadn’t expected them to stop their lives with my return. Coddling wasn’t necessary or wanted, but I wondered if not being idle would help me get out of this gloom.

Being in the comfort of my own place was a reward compared to staying in hotels nearest the orthopedic surgeons. I’d spent money out of my pocket to get the best care I could, not settling for what the VA recommended to me. Moving from one bland and boring hotel room to another didn’t do much for helping me to settle into this life outside the military. Staying here, in this apartment that Grandma Jenny never got around to renting out, helped provide a steady comfort, though.

No wonder Dad wanted to go back.

He had only come home for a break when Amanda was about to be born. There was no way around admitting her conception was a mistake. If not a mistake, since that implied a regrettable happenstance, it was a surprise. Mom and Dad hadn’t planned on Amanda, but after the first few months home after her birth, Dad was convinced he had to go back with his troop. It was, as he put it, his calling. That same vocation had been instilled in me since a young age, but he never had the chance to return. The car accident that took both him and Mom prevented him from going back into the military.

And now look at me.

I shook my head as I headed back to the house. Regret filled me that I was deprived of being on active duty again, and without that drive to succeed in that regard, I was left with… nothing. No energy to explore further than these woods where Kevin and I grew up and played when we were kids, so many acres between his house and mine. No determination to prove anything, even though I was glad my range of motion was improving on the daily with my shoulder. And no willpower to apply myself to… anything.

Brooding was a hell of a crappy way to spend the build-up to Christmas, and it was with a sickening acknowledgment that I bordered too damn close to actual depression.

Going through old picture albums and mementos didn’t deliver any motivation to move forward like I hoped it might. Walking around the vast property Grandma Jenny owned didn’t urge me to find another adventure past the boundary lines.

Only thinking about Blake pulled me out of this ominous and dark mood.

Since seeing her at Coach Parker’s party, I failed to erase her from my mind. She was there, in my thoughts, teasing me to wonder what happened to her dreams. Making me curious what she had been up to in the six years since I’d last seen her. It wasn’t just that I had spoken with her and spent time with her after Kevin’s funeral. It was how. It was the fact that we spent the entire night together, giving me just enough time to have the memory of her soft, smooth skin burned into a phantom yearning. To have the sounds of her pleasure and relief as she came clear in my ears.

I couldn’t shed these thoughts about her. No matter how much I tried not to dwell on her still being in town, I welcomed the distraction and break from being stuck in my own head.

Fresh layers of snow crunched under my boots as I made the return route to the house. I was moping and sulking around her so often that I’d wear a real trail in the earth.

Unless I figure out something better.

I wasn’t sure anything else could be out there for me. No other call to action, no other vocation or need to serve. And if I did find something to fill my days with, it wouldn’t be the legacy my father expected me to fulfill.

Grandma Jenny laughed lightly when I entered the kitchen door. She sat at the table, nursing a cup of hot tea as she peered at me. Steam wafted up in front of her face, and she narrowed her eyes slightly. “You look frozen,” she said as a greeting.

I shrugged.

“You’ve got to acclimate to the climate, Zach.”

That’s not all I need to acclimate to.I felt like I had to find a whole new identity now.

After I hung up my winter gear, I took the seat across from her. Even though I preferred coffee—black—I accepted the tea she poured just to warm my hands.

“Zach?”

“Hmm?” I lifted my face to stare back at her. “Yeah. I need to get used to the harsh Midwest winters again.”

“You’re not adjusting well,” she commented.

“How are you even around to make that observation?”

She smiled, pointing at me as if to saybingo. “You need a job.”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to go through this argument again. Dealing with people seemed like something I’d need more time to warm up to. I’d never been much of an extrovert. In the military, I bonded fine with my fellow servicemen. But since being out of the service, I didn’t want to make the effort and be social. At all. If the fifteen minutes I spent at Coach Parker’s party proved anything, it was that I was still a hermit.

“I do observe how you’re handling this adjustment, Zach. I’m busy with catering, but I see everything.” She snapped her fingers, moving her hand from side to side. “I hear everything.”

I grinned, recalling how she’d insist she was all-knowing like that back when I was young, too.

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