Page 95 of Pride, Prejudice, & Pretense

She lifted a weak hand from beneath the white blankets and touched Fitzwilliam’s arm as if she could finger the words she could not say, deliver them by touch.

He acknowledged her touch but did not recognize the palmed words, and he nodded, grim and defeated, as if her gesture of thanks made him feel worse and hate himself more.

"My fault. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong—almost. It could have been worse, but that doesn't mean it wasn't awful. The doctor told me…so I could report to Kellynch. I did, and I told him it was all my fault. What Wickham did to you, to Karen.”

"No," Lizzy said again, "it wasn't! I…Wait, how's Karen? Agent McDougal?"

"Alive—but in ICU. She was shot twice and lost a lot of blood, but she's tough. Steely. In the firefight, she killed one of the men who shot her and badly wounded the other. He died…later." Fitzwilliam paused and blinked, as if blinking away a memory. "She's not in a coma, but they're keeping her under sedation."

There was a quiet moment between them. Fitzwilliam reached out, stopping her from speaking?perhaps without intending to?and moved a lock of her hair off her forehead. She stopped trying to talk. He did it with infinite care, a devoted gentleness.Leave-taking.

No!

"This mission's done, Lizzy. But the fact that Wickham's dead doesn't mean the Wicker Man is. I'm going to finish them, whoever they are. They did this to you as much as he did. And they’re still a threat. My new mission. Go back to sleep. You need sleep."

He leaned forward and kissed her lips as gently as he had moved the lock of her hair. Reverse Snow White. "Goodbye, Lizzy. I have to go."

Her weakness and her surprise combined to keep her silent. Tears streamed from her eyes. Her tears. She could feel them hot on her cheeks.

He turned away and left the room, leaving her alone in the whiteness. She did not know if he had shed tears.

***

Lizzy blinked away fresh tears at the memory.When did that happen? How long ago?Everything was white; everything was jumbled.

The door to her room opened, and a doctor walked in. White lab coat, a woman, older, gray hair, half glasses, wearing a full smile that was kind and warm. "Agent Bennet, you're awake! And you’re looking better, too. You've been in and out the last three days, but mostly out. I'm Dr. Williams.”

As she considered Lizzy, her smile slowly hardened into a thin line. “I've been briefed on who you are and what you were doing. Director Kellynch called me personally. And I talked with both Agent Darcy and Agent Bingley. He's outside."

"Agent Darcy?" Lizzy’s voice sounded halting, raspy, brittle. Fall leaves crushed under slow feet.

"No. Sorry. AgentBingley. Agent Darcy had to leave yesterday."

The doctor gave her a moment, looking at her chart through reading glasses. Lizzy absorbed the news staring straight ahead, recalling Fitzwilliam’s lips on hers in the white room.

Dr. Williams looked up from the chart. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. No…I'm exhausted. Enervated. How doyousay I am?"

The doctor raised an eyebrow. "You certainlyareexhausted. You needed sleep. Youstillneed sleep. What you've been doing…" She paused. "From talking with Kellynch and with Agent Darcy and Agent Bingley, I take it that you have been under enormous stress. They told me about the last couple of weeks, but my educated guess is that you've been under enormous stress for months, probably years.” She blew out a frustrated breath. “Doesn't the CIA require periodic psychological evaluations? Don’t they allow agents time off?"

Dr. Williams paused again but then spoke before Lizzy could answer. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like I'm accusing you of something. And I probably shouldn’t be saying this all toyou. I should have asked Kellynch these questions, but I was so…shocked…to be on the phone with the director of the CIA. My outrage didn't grip me until the call ended. I’ve never been good at caging outrage."

Lizzy stopped gazing at the ceiling to look at her. "It's okay. I was usually given time, a short time off between missions. And yes, there were periodic evaluations at Langley, but I've…always been…good at test-taking." She understood herself then, the game she had played with Langley and with herself.

"Meaning you were undercover even at Langley, pretending among the pretenders. Pretending to be a whole-hearted pretender. You gave the evaluator what the evaluator needed to release you for the next mission instead of giving the evaluator the truth?" The doctor’s tone softened as she asked the question.

Lizzy took a moment before nodding in concession. "Yes. The truth isn't easy for me, not as easy as it should be."

"I don't wonder. You've lived a lineup of lies for a long time.”

"All the lies that are my life," Lizzy said bitterly through a frown of self-mockery.

The doctor stared at her for a moment, thinking.

"What is it?" Lizzy asked.

Dr. Williams shook her head to downplay what she was about to say. "Let me speak unofficially. Personally. Just a pet theory of mine.” She shrugged. “I'm convinced human beings need the truth like they need sunlight. Call itVitamin T.Without it, we shrink, shrivel, and die. The heart naturally loves truth. And I don't mean what people call 'mytruth.' I meanthetruth, the genuine article. It's why we crave knowledge in a way we don't crave mere belief. You can only know what's true—but you can believe what's false. And falsity enslaves." She stopped and pursed her lips, and then she smirked, but kindly. "Anyway, my ultimate but unofficial diagnosis is that you are suffering from a serious Vitamin T deficiency.

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