Page 103 of Pride, Prejudice, & Pretense

The day before her discharge, she had called her mother again to tell her she was resigning her position and wanted to stay at home in Rochester until she was clear about her next step. Her mother was delighted,delighted, and said so over and over. "You can work in the shop for a while if you want. Your aunt would be happy to have you, and it would free me up. I've been more and more involved at church, especially with the holidays coming up. They've put me on a committee for Thanksgiving and made me the head of another one for Christmas, the Toy Drive Committee."

Lizzy groaned inwardly. She hadn't thought about the fact that she would almost certainly end up spending the holidays in Rochester with her mother.Mom puts the dollar sign in Chri$tmas. Christmas in Rochester would be an expensive, showy ordeal. With toys added in. Lizzy would have to deal with it.Who would make Mom the head of a committee?especially a committee for a Christmas Toy Drive?

"Okay, Mom, I'll call you when I've gotten everything taken care of in D.C."

"I'll fix your room just like you like it."

That made Lizzy smile despite it all.My room. Maybe youcango home again, despite what Thomas Wolfe says.Maybe she could remember who she'd been before all this started. Before her dad died. Before Kellynch and the Company.

"Thanks, Mom."

***

Monday, November 16

Langley stood before her as the Uber turned in?stood like a vast fortress, so heavy and obdurate it was unclear how the earth could bear it. She got out and stood for a moment, the early winter wind whipping at her, blowing against the exposed skin of her neck, making her vulnerability seem worse.

She dreaded the visit. Today she would have to face Kellynch once more. She was almost done with the maze that led to the permanent exit from Langley—the narrow one for the use of the living that was not often found. The entrance to Langley was wide; the exit was not.Many are called but few are released.She hunched her shoulders, ducked her head, and walked inside.

Charlie and Jane stood at the front security desk on the opposite side of the lobby waiting for her. Lizzy put her things on the security belt for scan and walked through the radiometric scanner herself. Once she was through, the couple met her, and Jane helped her gather her bag and coat. Lizzy noticed the two were careful not to touch…not to seem like a couple.

"So, this is it. The final meeting," Charlie commented softly.

Lizzy nodded, her throat suddenly feeling dry, her hands slightly shaky, her chest constricted. Kellynch had been overseeing her life for so long that it had come to seem thenatural order of things, and she struggled to get used to the new order. His had been the opinion that had mattered to her. His orders had ruled her life. Now she was in control. A Copernican Revolution.

Jane put her hand on her shoulder. "Take a breath, Liz. You're all but out the door. We talked about this last night. No problem."

Lizzy nodded. Charlie winked at her. "Listen to Jane. I'm going to go and see if there's any chatter that might be connected to Darcy." He frowned and gave her a sympathetic look. "There was none yesterday."

She nodded again in acknowledgement. Jane took her hand. "I'll walk with you part of the way, but I'm not going to face Charlotte."

Lizzy gave her a tight grin. Jane and Charlotte had never gotten along. Neither Lizzy nor Jane was certain where Charlotte’s dislike originated. Lizzy guessed it was might be because Jane had been her recruiter. Charlotte’s envy of Lizzy may have colored her impression of Jane; perhaps she blamed Jane for Lizzy. Jane had gotten Charlotte's coldest shoulder on several occasions and had decided not to bother with her anymore.

"So," she said as they weaved through the warren-like hallways toward Kellynch's office, "are your things all moved from your D.C. apartment into storage?"

"Yes, the movers took the last of it this afternoon. After I beard the lion in his den, I'm a free woman."

"Any clarity overnight about what comes next after the move to Rochester?"

The previous evening, Lizzy and Jane had sat on foldout chairs among her stacks of boxes and a few unboxed odds and ends. They drank wine and talked in the light of one lamp with its naked bulb. Lizzy had inadvertently packed the lampshade ina box, forgot which one, and had not wanted to open random boxes to find it.

"A little. I've decided to apply to the English graduate program at the University of Rochester. But as I said last night, I'm not sure I'll get in. And I’ll have to submit a writing sample. I have a few of my senior papers, but any of them would need serious work to make me competitive. Still, I've got until mid-December to do the rewriting or write a new one."

"Were those in that small box you shoved under your chair?"

Lizzy nodded. "Yeah, my self-consciousness ran riot, I guess."

"Which of them do you think you will rewrite? Or what new topic might you write about if you don’t use one of your old papers?"

Lizzy took a moment. They stopped at a junction of hallways not far from Kellynch's office. "Actually, I had an idea for a rewrite, something that might be…I don't know, therapeuticandinteresting. A paper investigating the relationship between theatricality and spies in the works of Le Carré, particularlyCall for the DeadandLittle Drummer Girl.Take seriously the idea of the theater of the real. Spies as actors, actors as spies."

Jane raised a surprised eyebrow. "A little close to home, isn't it? Maybe a little tooreal?"

Lizzy shrugged and nodded all at once. "‘Real’ and ‘fake’ have started to lose their meaning. Still, I think it might help me to write about it all without beingin it allany longer. The Company therapist I talked to last week mentioned that journaling—or something like that—might be good for me. And, hey, even in school, it's still best to write about what you know…though I won't be admitting that's what I'm doing. I'll be writing aboutfictionalspies."

Jane shook her head and chuckled softly. "‘Truth’ and ‘fiction.’ ‘Write what you know’? Someone should have toldthat to some of my college professors! Lectures might have been more interesting.” She pointed to the doorway ahead of them, and they slowed their walk. “Well, this is where we part company. You're still spending the night at my place before you head to Rochester tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course. You've got my suitcases, remember, and the rental car's coming to your place in the morning." It occurred to Lizzy that Jane was keeping her talking to help calm her before the meeting.

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