Page 87 of Choices

"Mom?" Aiden asks, concerned.

We round the stall door to see Vivian, her face buried in the neck of a dapple grey pony with a red ribbon around his neck.

Hannah looks up at me and Lauren with watery eyes.

"You guys didn't..." she whispers out, her hands shaking. Lauren reaches forward and touches her arm.

"I hope that's okay? He's completely kid-proof and trained. Completely safe. And we'll teach her everything she needs to know to be safe riding..."

Hannah wraps her arms around Lauren and holds her tight. "You just gave my little girl the best Christmas she'll ever have."

Lauren hugs her back. "The boys can have one, too, of course, but I wanted to make this one special for her."

Hannah can't seem to slow the tears, but they're happy ones so I'm not too concerned. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and place a kiss at her temple. Vivian spends an entire twenty minutes talking to her new pony.

Before long, the cold starts to get to us and the promise of hot chocolate leads us back to the house.

I can tell Aiden's anxious about his present, so I get straight to it after we've shed our wet winter clothes and let Maria start simmering some milk for authentic hot chocolate.

"Aid, those four big presents behind the couch are yours."

Hesitantly, he reaches for them, opening the smallest one first. He opens a box containing an electric screwdriver.

He says thank you, and tries his damnedest to be polite, but I can tell he doesn't understand. He opens the second box to find the bits and pieces of a bookshelf.

"You know the red room?" I ask him, referencing the oddly shaped room between the mudroom and our wing of bedrooms that had been an original log cabin, now turned into a storage room of sorts. He nods.

"Last week Diego and Lauren cleared it out, and the boxes behind you are Ikea bookshelves. I figured we could build you a library for your manga and then go shopping to fill the shelves."

I have a moment of self-doubt when his hands shake, he drops the screwdriver and bolts out the door. Diego, Lauren, Santiago, and Matty watch him leave with pity on their faces. At this moment I curse myself, thinking I've fucked up. I thought it would be a nice gesture, but maybe he thinks I overstepped a boundary or am trying to replace his dad. I should have just gotten him a fucking dirt bike.

I hang my head.

Fuck!

Hannah comes to stand next to me. She laces her fingers between mine and gives them a squeeze. "Just give him a moment. He's feeling overwhelmed by his emotions. He'll come around."

I wish I could take back the entire fucking idea. God, I'm shit at this. I stand to busy myself cleaning up wrapping paper and ignore the tension in the room when Aiden stomps back in. I turn just in time to catch his small body with mine. He buries his face in my chest, wraps his arms around me and fists the back of my shirt as if it's the only thing keeping him tethered to the Earth.

I can't help but wrap my arms around him as well,leaning my cheek on the top of his head.

I have a deep need to fill the silence. "I got Ikea bookcases because I know literally nothing about bookcases, but if you find ones you like more we can always upgrade? I don't know how many manga you have but I figured we could start with three bookshelves and grow from there? You didn't have an extra room at your mom's house to build you a library, so I thought..."

Aiden looks up at me with deeply feeling brown eyes. "Thank you...I... I wish you'd been my Dad...and I don't know if that's okay..." he whispers so only I can hear it, and my heart cracks as it grows two sizes larger. I squeeze him tighter.

"I think it's perfectly fine to feel however you feel. And, if I'm honest, I wish I'd been your dad, too. But then you might have gotten my ugly mug and that wouldn't have been good." I tease, trying to lighten the mood.

Aiden understands it for what it is, steps back and wipes the tears from his cheeks.

"Thank you," he says again.

I simply nod, my throat choked with emotion.

Lauren and Diego swoop in, moving the bookshelf boxes to the red room, with the kids trailing behind, to give me and Hannah a moment of emotional reprieve. I'm reeling from the idea of my having been their dad the entire time. Their lives would have looked different - security detail, bodyguards, private school, but they would have been happier. I could have protected and loved them from day one. I can't imagine how that would have affected them.

Hannah finds her way into my arms and I holdher. Matty and Santiago flank us, rubbing her back or her arm, knowing she needs the physical connection, the physical reassurance after an emotional day.

"I can't thank you enough." She whimpers against my chest.

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