Page 47 of Choices

I lock up behind her and walk to my bedroom.

It still smells like sex, and my stomach churns.

I can't sleep here tonight.

So I shuffle my tired feet to Vivian's room. My miracle baby. We almost didn't survive her birth. And we did it alone. Alan couldn't be bothered to come, even when the nurse texted him that things were going south. That should have been my last red flag, but I wrapped myself up in motherhood and my children, convinced that I was happier as a married single mom.

The emotions of the day simmer under my skin like ants and my brain is a whirling dervish, unable to pick any one thought and stick with it through completion.

I knew Alan was cheating on me. He has been for years. Likely, with multiple partners. It upset me at first, naturally, but when I really processed my feelings, I realized that I didn't have a broken heart. My ego took a hit, obviously, and I mourned the perfect life I had always imagined for myself, but I didn't really love Alan.

When we first started dating, I wasvery fond of him. We'd basically grown up together, and he was a decent guy. He cared, put in the effort to woo me, proposed, and we married. But as the years progressed, I realized I felt the same way if he was home or at work. I didn't miss him when he was gone. It's not like I couldn't get enough of him when he was home. He just was there, or he wasn't. But all marriages fall into a comfortable routine, right?

And after I mourned my happily-ever-after, I realized I would never divorce him. I wouldn't share custody of my kids. I didn't want to split my time. So, if a little infidelity was all I had to deal with to keep my beautiful home, to not have to work and to keep my kids close, I accepted it. Most men in our circles stepped out of their marriage, I just thought maybe we were different...or I had a little more time.

Tonight crossed a line, though. I just wasn't sure what it meant.

Bringing his mistress to his daughter's birthday party? What the fuck was he thinking? It's almost as if he's daring me to divorce him. Or trying to hurt me by parading around a younger, prettier, skinnier woman? What had I done to offend him so much? I'd ignored his infidelity for years. Gave him the perfect home, family, and image. Perfect picket-fence life, right?

Maybe I wasn't pretty enough arm candy anymore, but I knew how to charm the upper-class members of society when we had to go to functions together. I always talked him up, made him look good, and made connections where my family was involved.

Does he want me to divorce him? I can't imagine that he does, he'll have to pay a hell of a lot of alimony and child support. Is he bluffing? Showing off what he can get away with?

And fucking her in my bed, withme just a few rooms away? At his daughter's birthday party?

The balls on that man. He didn't even stop when he got caught. Just yelled at me as he kept pumping.

I roll my eyes. Jesus.

If that wasn't a 'fuck you' to me, then I don't know what would be. How could he have so little regard for me? His friend? His wife? The mother of his children?

I have no idea what's going through his head, but I can't let something like today happen again. I won't let him ruin any of our kids' birthdays because he has some vendetta against me. I don't want that harpy anywhere near my children. Sure, his show today was embarrassing to me, for the people who knew, but after you push a screaming baby from your hoo-ha in front of an audience, you don't have a ton of pride left.

I'm more concerned about the effect on my kids. Did Viv notice her dad was missing for some of it? Did Aiden? Did Aiden notice the looks his dad was shooting at a strange woman? Did he pick up on the woman and why she was there when she was not a parent or a friend of a friend?

I'm not concerned with Jack. He's so into his own thing, that he doesn't notice much else, but Aiden's my observer, far older than his ten years, and Viv's my sensitive soul. She feels with her entire being.

Something's got to give. I can't have the two of them showing up to school concerts or birthday parties like they're an item. I can't have her forcing herself onto my family, my children, while they still think we're happily married.

Except I know I'm fooling myself. They already know we're not.

And maybe I would have been for a long time if three incredibly handsome, thoughtful, incredible men hadn't barreled into my life and shown me a different way.

I take in Viv's pink and unicorn bedroom. I smile at myself. I have a hard time telling any of my children 'no', so when Viv shows me a Unicorn stuffed animal or bedspread, I've never told her 'no'. They're such small things and they make her so happy.

But I love who Viv has become. She's pink and tiaras and unicorns but with a spine of steel. I can see her running for political office or becoming a lawyer. She's as tough as she is girly, and part of me really envies her ability to be uniquely herself.

I lay in bed behind her, wrapping my arm around her the way we used to co-sleep when she was a baby. I may not know what's going on with my marriage, or the three men I seem to be creating an intimate relationship with...but right now? My babies are happy, healthy, and safe.

And that's enough.

Chapter seventeen

Rico

Iknow she's planning on driving into the city to meet with Matty today to finally draft up divorce papers, but I need to see her.

She didn't answer my goodnight text from last night and Matty and Santiago have been left on read, too.

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