Page 40 of Choices

She even asked me to help her train up her horses. She wants to compete in 3-day eventing, which was my sport.

The picture she paints, of this being a regular thing makes my heart swell.

We tack up, the motions familiar and second nature. I'vetacked up thousands of times in my lifetime and my fingers enjoy the familiar task.

I'm nervous about mounting, though. I'm not as flexible as I used to be, and my body not as familiar. Luckily, Lauren has an extra tall mounting block, and Little Man is just short enough I don't make an ass of myself.

We hit the trails and I let Lauren lead, although it's clear Little Man knows where he's going. Surrounded by a beautiful forest, we chat about anything and everything, seeming to bounce from one subject to another, but it's comfortable because it feels like both our brains work that way. I tell her about the kids, about Alan, about how I met my new boys. She tells me about her childhood and her family. She tells me all about how her family is large and complicated, so there's plenty of drama to fill the hours.

After about an hour and a half, there's a hill with nice, soft sand on it.

"Want to canter?"

I'm nervous, but I give her a tight nod. She takes off and Little Man follows just behind. His canter is smooth, but my belly flops around uncomfortably. Beyond that, though, I'm pleased with how well I'm able to stay with his movements.

After the straightaway, we slow back down to a walk.

"You're good for them." She says, with a smile on her face.

I give her a questioning look. "I like you for them. Rico and the boys seem quite taken with you. There's never been another woman in Rico's life...it's about time."

I don't know how to respond to that, so she continues. I feel like we're treading on declaring something a lot more than friendship and attraction, and that makes me nervous.

“Rico’s been alone for so long. He’s carried the weight of the entire family, and their empire for so long. He protected and raised his baby brother when their parents took off, and then everyone else after his sister died."

“Where are his parents?” I ask timidly, overwhelmed but impressed at the same time.

“Their dad was arrested when Rico was sixteen and Diego was eight. Their mom was acquitted but took off chasing some adventure or other.” She shrugs. “Rico raised Diego and Alexa, made sure they had food, and went to school. When they had all finally graduated High School, Alexa OD’ed. Rico took it especially hard because he thought it was his job to protect the family and he believed he had failed.” My chest squeezes painfully. I can envision a younger version of Rico, scared and raising siblings alone. A job no child should ever have to do.

My entire body aches to run to him, to find him, and wrap my arms around him. To tell him it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't his responsibility. That his parents had failed him, and that he was an amazing man.

Lauren must have picked up on the panic in my face because she reaches out to touch my arm. “But he has you now. I can’t begin to tell you the difference I’ve seen in him, just in the last few weeks. He seems lighter, happier.” Somehow that made me more nervous. We haven't talked about what we are, or a future together or anything like that. All I know is that I feel good when I'm aroundhim and the boys and that was enough. But apparently, the Rico-waters run deep and maybe I'm getting in over my head?

Somehow, the most powerful gang leader in her state was “lighter” and “happier” with me in his life.What the hell did that mean?!

I swallow nervously. Is that what I am? A woman in his life? But what does that mean when I'm still married? I know I need to leave Alan, I've known it for years, but providing a stable environment for my kids always took priority.

It's clear from the beginning that there's a strong attraction between me and all three guys. But if I left Alan, what would that mean for us? Would I pick one? Stay with all three? Is that what they want? Or is this just a fun escape from reality for them?

Am I good for them? A soon-to-be single mom with a gaggle of kids and a day planner full of activities? They don't seem like the parent pick-up types, even if they have started joining me on Saturdays.

"I like all three of them," I confess. I'm not sure why I feel comfortable enough with Lauren. Clearly, she'd take her brother-in-law's side.

But she just smiles at me. "I can tell."

I stay silent. "Your voice goes all soft when you talk about them. And if the way they look at you is any indication, they all like you back." She laughs. "I've never seen a pack of hungrier wolves than those three watching you walk down to the barn earlier."

I like the idea of that. That they are just as impacted by me as I am by them.

Whatever happens with the Book Club, whatever happens with Alan, whatever happens with the three new men in my life, new Hannah isn't going to fret over it. Just take it day by day and enjoy whatever life has to bring.

We make it back to the barn, untack, and brush down the horses before turning them out to graze in the paddocks.

"So when can you come back?" Lauren asks me eagerly.

I shrug. "As often as I can with running a house and kid's activities."

"Let's start with Tuesdays and Thursdays and see if that's manageable with everything else you have going on. I really want to train to compete. I'll even pay you!" She says eagerly.

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