Page 88 of Cruel Hearts

Stella doesn’t speak, and I feel the resentment and bitterness coming in waves through the crack in the balcony’s door. She cares enough to be angry, at least.

“I’ve been seeing Zane for a long time. I know I’m just a whore—”

Stella says, “No—”

“Just let me finish,” Nathalie says, and Stella stops.

My skin prickles.

“I know I’m only a whore, but whenever I’m with Zane, I feel like I’m more than that. Like I’m a woman worth more than only a quick screw. Like I’m important, like I’m human, who has a heart and feelings.”

Silence.

“I know what you mean.” Stella’s voice is soft.

I sag against the wall. I never treated Nathalie like I did Stella. Like a piece of fragile glass, something to be treasured. Nathalie was a friend, less than a friend, someone I could use so I wouldn’t be alone. My heart was never in it, and I’m ashamed of the small scraps I tossed at her and how important they’d been to her.

“I tried to make him fall in love with me, but it never worked. We went out for dinner, to plays and movies, I would share his bed, but there was always a part of him I couldn’t touch.” Nathalie stops and a glass clinks as she sets it onto a patio table. “He would have nightmares.”

“He did with me, too,” Stella says.

“And he would cry, ‘Don’t go. Please, come back.’”

My heart thumps. I don’t remember having nightmares when I slept with Nathalie.

“I knew he was missing someone. I knew he was in love with someone. For the five years we were together, he’s been mourning. Not his mom and dad. Someone else. Then I saw you earlier today, the way he’d look at you. The way he would reach out to touch you, but he’d let his hand drop, like he couldn’t dare. I realized that person was you.”

“Right. If he loved me so much, then why has he been with you?” Stella asks, and I can picture the pucker of her lips, like she’s sucking on a lemon.

“Haven’t you been desperate enough to beg for love?” Nathalie asks, and I can barely hear her.

Stella’s quiet. I don’t think she’s going to answer, but then she says, “Yes. As a child.”

“Then you know. I go from man to man, trying to entice them with my body to love me for my heart. Zane’s the same. He’s so lonely, and he missed you so much.”

Stella sniffles. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because of the way you look at him. Hard. You won’t forgive him for giving me these five years, but they were never mine, Stella. He never stopped loving you, and he was doing what he had to do to survive.”

“Is that a good enough excuse?” Stella does sound hard, like Nathalie said.

“You tell me.”

“Don’t you feel used?” Stella asks.

“Zane gave me what he could, and he treated me as well as he was able. A woman in my position, you take what you can get.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s right.”

“Yes, it does, and it’s my choice to think so. He made my life better in ways I never dreamed. You have to understand, the absence of cruelty is a kindness.”

“Indifference isn’t love.”

“When the opposite is so much worse, it can be. And you know it.”

Stella doesn’t respond.

“He loves you. Very much. In a world like this, it’d be terrible if you threw that away.”

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