Page 32 of Such A Filthy Girl

And it couldn’t happen.

He couldn’t follow me to the city, and I wasn’t ready to give up my whole life to move into the attic of my mother’s marital home.

Graham stood across the room, chatting up a storm with a group of fellow business men that worked with Jack, looking every bit more at ease in my family home that I did.

Mom sidled up beside me, linking her arm through mine, happiness rolling off of her. Her bright smile could light the dullest of rooms, and even amongst the many people gathered she sparkled.

‘Is it everything you imagined?’ I asked her.

‘Oh darling, with you home, it’s perfect. Everyone I love under one roof. What more could a mother ask for?’

She patted my arm with her neatly manicured fingers following my gaze across the room to Graham.

‘I think he’s the one,’ she gushed, squeezing me tight. ‘Absolutely perfect for you.’

‘You do?’ I asked, looking from him to her.

‘Yes. He’s a good man. He’ll look after you, love.’

The seed of unrest in my stomach hardened. ‘Is that enough?’

My mother’s brows dipped, concern filling her face. ‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s just not that passionate. I always thought it would be different.’

Mom sighed, her lips pressingtogether.

‘Sometimes, love is quiet. Unassuming. Sometimes it’s in supporting each other through a bad day in the office, or paying the mortgage on time every month. Sometimes it’s in seeing the things you can live with, and not those you can’t live without. It’s not all hellfire and brimstone. Sometimes it’s a gentle stream, and a quiet pleasure.’

‘Is it that for you?’ I asked.

My mother glanced at Jack, her eyes softening. ‘No, darling. It’s not.’

‘Can I have both?’

‘Rarely. But sometimes the pursuit of perfection leads to having nothing at all.’

Stewing in my thoughts, I left her to some giggling aunties, and moved outside, standing on one of the balconies that overlooked the garden, surrounded by hanging plants and the glittering night sky. Cold air wrapped me, goosebumps dancing over my arms.

Graham was a solid choice. A safe choice. Throwing my life away to try and pursue thisthingwith Leo would be stupid. We weren’t teenagers. Shacking up in his attic like a pair of horny youths. Hiding from our parents.

My life had to amount to more than that.

Ithadto.

The night sky dashed images of Leo’s perfect chest into my head, the stars twinkling reminiscent of the way his skin had gleamed in the computer light.

I rubbed my eyes, clearing the sordid pictures from my brain.

The music kicked up a notch inside, the evening drawing ever closer to the New Year countdown. A chance to start the year as I meant to go on.

With Graham.

Or throwing everything away for Leo.

The dining roomhad been cleared of furniture, and filled with drunken writhing bodies. Groups of women scream sang the words at each other, swishing their hair, and wobbling on aching heeled feet.

I moved through the room, smiling and deflecting as various groups tried to drag me into their circle.

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