Page 15 of Jet

I’m sobbing like a baby because my gut’s telling me that he’s already made up his mind. I can’t even right now. “Caleb, I’m begging you.”

“Contrary to what you think, I’m on your side. I want to help but I’ve already spoken to a few of my colleagues and they think it’s a waste of time and money. The best advice I’m going to give you is don’t ever go there again. You can’t save everyone; it will just drive you mad. Quinn, I promise I’ll get back to you sometime tomorrow with an answer.”

I’m devastated when the line goes dead. Really, what did I expect? That he’d rush right over here, open his wallet, and feed everyone?

Desolation hits me right in the center of my chest. What do those poor children do when they’re feeling this way? How can they find comfort when there’s none? I can always call family or friends, but what would they do? I don’t know how to turn all of this around and I feel so small and helpless. All of the planning that Jet and I did seems so trivial compared to how monumental something of this magnitude truly is. One insignificant concert such as this would be like putting a Band-Aid on a festering wound. It just wouldn’t be enough. Will anything ever be enough?

There’s so much anxiety building inside of me that I feel volatile, like I’m going to blow at a moment’s notice. I need to do something. What, exactly, I have no idea. Butsomething.

I don’t waste my time getting inside my car, because, truthfully, I don’t want to be confined inside of a small space. Right now I need the vastness and the open air, so I walk. I’ve no idea where I’m going, but I just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. When I’m tired and can’t go any further, I’ll stop. Call an Uber and then go home. Until then, I’m on the move.

I pass theHungry Dog Dinerand contemplate stopping in for a burger, but decide against it. It’s best if I keep on walking just in case Jet’s working. He’s sure to accuse me of stalking him again if I do. I walk by several quaint shops and bars and enter a side of town that looks familiar. This is the street where Trevor lives. Do I stop in, or keep on walking? I should cross the street or go back the same way I came. I don’t want any of them to think I’m so desperate that I want to hang out with them while I’m on vacation.Vacation. What a joke.

Crossing the street, I head back and stop short when someone calls out my name. “Quinn? Quinn, wait up.” I turn to find Willow running towards me. Damn, I wasn’t quick enough. “Do you need a ride? Hey, where’s your car?”

“Hey, Willow. Funny thing, I was taking a walk and didn’t realize I had walked this far out. I’m heading back now.”

“I was just leaving Trevor’s house, let me give you a ride.” I know if I tell her no, she’ll insist.

“That would be great, I’d really appreciate it.” We both head over to where she’s parked and I slide in when she unlocks the door. “Is the gang still hanging out?”

We buckle up before she answers. “Nah, Jet was the first to leave and then Lucas and Abby left soon after. I wanted to help Trevor and Mrs. C clean up before I left. There’s always so many dishes when we’re there.”

“Mrs. C is the sweetest woman I’ve ever met. She really loves all of you guys so much.”

“You know she’s my aunt, right?” When I nod, she continues. “When my dad went to prison, my mom and I moved in with Trevor and his mom for a few years. One of the reasons Trevor and I are so close. He’s more like my brother than my cousin. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’m sure you know all of this already.” She gets quiet and for some reason I think something else is bothering her.

“Is everything okay, Willow? I only ask because sometimes I feel like whenever I’m around it’s uncomfortable for all of you. Am I right?”

She fidgets a little in her seat and with her body language I don’t need her to answer. For whatever reason, she’s uncomfortable.

“We all love you, Quinn. We all think of you as our sister more than our boss.” Oh, I sense a “but” coming. She doesn’t continue until she pulls into my driveway. Shutting off the car, she turns towards me, resting her leg on the seat. “It’s just that Jet gets upset whenever we mention your name.”

Gluttony

“Gluttonyis an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.”

Peter De Vries

10

JET

Memories of a fucked-upkind have been coming back to me like a vengeance ever since my meltdown yesterday. If there was a way for me to cut open my brain and cleanse it until it was pure, white, and clean, I would. Unfortunately, there’s no cure for what plagues me. Just a constant misery that reminds me of where I came from and what I’ve done.

I startle when there’s a knock on the door, but there’s only one person it could be. I call out, “Come in.”

The door opens, and my savior’s standing there holding a tray filled with everything breakfast and a pot of coffee. “Thanks for letting me crash here last night, Mack.”

“No reason to thank me, boy. This will always be your room whenever you need it.” Placing the tray on the table beside me, he turns to leave.

“Mack, will this feeling ever go away?” His heavy sigh speaks volumes, more than his words ever could.

“The only one who can answer that question is you. Not me. No one would be happier to see you set your demons free, but you need help. Someone you can talk to who can forgive you for what you’ve done to survive. God knows you can’t forgive yourself. Hell, start with everyone in the band. You’d be surprised how freeing it could be to confide in your friends who love you regardless or in spite of your past. No one carries your burden quite like you do, boy. Only you can torture yourself so harshly.”

I know he’s right. Lucas told me the exact same thing. But, cutting myself open and confiding in Trevor and Willow just seems impossible. Besides, not even a shrink, priest, or whoever I decide to tell won’t heal my soul. And I truly think that’s what hurts more than my psyche ever did. I’ve been broken for so long now that I don’t know how to truly live.

“After I eat and clean up, I’ll be out there to help you,” I say. “I’ll be leaving at the end of the week again and I won’t be back for several months. So I’m going to help you out as much as I can between now and then.”

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