Page 87 of Time To Live Again

“She’s lucky she didn’t say those things in front of me. It was tough staying calm the entire evening, but that would’ve tipped me over the edge,” he says, kissing my temple. “I can’t stand seeing you cry. Especially when you’ve done nothing wrong.” His tone is firm, but his touch his gentle.

“You didn’t deserve how she treated you either. I’m sorry. She’s terrified of being left alone and she’d rather me be miserable than with someone who makes me happy. I’ve never seen her act so ruthless and cruel.”

He palms my cheek. “Nothing will ever change my feelings for you. You understand that, right? Nothing. We don’t have to defend our relationship to anyone.”

“I know.”

I wish it were that simple.

38

OLIVE

Irest my chin on my hand as I stir my first coffee of the day and revel in the early morning silence. The Golden Gate Bridge is in clear view through Andy’s ceiling-to-floor apartment windows. His career is obviously booming more than he lets on. I can’t imagine what this place must cost. And to top it off, it’s spotless. Andy isn’t known for his tidiness.

These past four weeks have been one big therapy session for me. If I wasn’t baring my soul to my therapist or Leo, especially about Mom, I was either at the gym, in a yoga class (without puppies), or wondering what to do with my life. Puppy yoga was fun in the beginning, but I was peed on one too many times. I was surprised to find out that I like yoga in general. I’m becoming quite flexible…something I can’t wait to show Leo.Wink. Wink.

I’ve also lost some weight. It’s a subtle change. Let’s see if he notices when I pick him up at the airport. I haven’t mentioned it during our calls.

As Leo promised when I dropped him off at the airport, we have spoken every single day. We’ve shared our hopes, dreams, fantasies, favorite memories, and biggest fears. He still sends me old video clips of him or Corey and a new song every day too. Sometimes it’s a video of the hotel he’s staying at in whatever country at the time. My favorite was a short video of him eating a lemon tart with a cappuccino at his favorite café in Paris. The one he modeled Café Charmont after. I would’ve done anything to be there with him.

All these photos and video clips have made me feel like I practically grew up alongside Leo and Corey. I’ve seen how they changed over time and what they experienced. I’ll always cherish this because, even though I’ll never meet Corey, I feel like I know him at least a little now.

My relationship with Mom is still very strained. My therapist says she’s grieving and afraid of being alone. I didn’t need to pay anyone to tell me that. I already knew. It’s not fair that Leo and I get the brunt of her pain. I’m glad she hasn’t seen him again. I don’t even talk about him with her. Last thing I said to her last week was to go to therapy. I haven’t heard from her since.

The thing I’m most proud of is that I went to LA before I came to Andy’s. With encouragement from my therapist, I finally felt it was time. It’s the one step I needed to be ready for a future with Leo. He doesn’t know I went. I’m going to tell him tonight.

I didn’t know what to expect when I landed in LA. A couple of days before the trip, I sent a message to my old boss and mentor, Adele, asking if we could meet. Her response came back saying, “YES!” That made it easier to get on the plane.

We met in a park near the hospital that we frequented during our breaks. As soon as I saw her, I fell apart. We hugged each other like vices, then sat down under a tree. My sadness, anger, and mostly guilt came out full force. I’ll always remember what she said.

“Working in the medical field is challenging from day one. We hold people’s lives in our hands. When someone who’s in your care dies, the guilt hits you like a ton of bricks. You ask yourself nonstop what you could’ve done better or how could you have missed that diagnosis even when it wasn’t your fault…” She shakes her head, and I know she understands.

“Does the guilt ever stop? I mean, I know it was the pandemic, but I got up and left all those suffering patients. I let my colleagues down. How do I forgive myself for that?”

“Everyone’s different. Some people can turn off their emotions and not think twice about it. You and I aren’t like that. And you were too young to experience death all around you. None of us had ever dealt with anything like it, even those with the longest careers. It was a very trying time. And you aren’t the only medical professional who quit.”

“How did you handle it?”

“Well, if you’d returned my calls, you’d know that I quit as soon as things settled down,” she responds with her typical sass.

My eyes bug out, and my breath hitches. “What?”

“Yes. Me.” She points at herself. “I quit.”

“But you’re much stronger than me, than a lot of our coworkers were.”

“Maybe, but everyone has a breaking point. I almost left California altogether. I ended up staying to fight the guilt and find another way I could use my medical experience, but it wasn’t easy.”

“You’re still working in the field?”

“I’m working at a small pharmaceutical company in their drug development area. I’m still a registered nurse, but I use my knowledge on clinical trials.

“Olive, you were an exceptional nurse with so much promise. Don’t throw it away. Use your experience and find something that could fulfill you in other ways. It doesn’t have to be in a hospital. You’d be surprised how many options are out there. It’s not too late. Let go of the guilt and move on before you end up old and crotchety like me.”

When we said goodbye, I felt better than I had in years. Then I had the guts to go to the hospital where I worked. I wasn’t strong enough to go inside, though. I rode the same bus I took from the hospital to where I used to live. My old apartment building looked unchanged, like nothing had happened, proving to me again that life goes on. Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps lessen the pain. I went to other places that I frequented too. The local grocery store that had my favorite smoothie, the hotdog stand I visited a couple times a week, and my nursing school campus. With my eyes closed, I searched through my memories and focused on the good times at each place.

When I finished in LA, I rented a car and drove to San Francisco. I left that city in a gorgeous Audi, feeling refreshed and excited to move on. Finally ready to be the new me. I can’t wait to show Leo who I am now when I see him today.

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