Page 74 of Time To Live Again

And that’s how the day went. I know it didn’t solve all our problems, but it’s a big step forward.

31

LEO

I’ve been sitting in my car for fifteen minutes, trying to find the nerve to get out. Corey’s grave is close by, but it feels miles away. I fixate on the painted rock I found in a memory box, flipping it over in my hand.

When we were around eight or nine years old, this rock caused a massive paint fight between Corey and me. I close my eyes, replaying it in my mind. A rainbow of colors splashed the garage walls, including my dad’s expensive tools and machines. Paint covered our hair, mouths, skin, and clothes. My throat constricts remembering the taste of it. Our parents grounded us for two weeks. They shouldn’t have given us the paint to begin with.

It’s been a few days since I brought the boxes back to my place, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve essentially been erasing the first twenty-five years of my life, because he was always with me. But forgetting Corey is impossible, and five years of this denial is an embarrassment.

There was a letter from Corey stuck between some books in one of the boxes. If I could, I’d fucking pummel my own ass right now. I packed those boxes, but I never saw it before.

Reading that letter was bittersweet. I cried, laughed, and threw some shit across the room. Don’t worry, I didn’t break anything important. If I did, I would’ve been in the dog house with Mom. But it made me drive to the cemetery.

Get out of the car.I count backward from five. On one, I open the door and step out, gripping the painted rock in my hand.

Someone told me once people leave rocks on headstones to show respect to the deceased and reflect their visit. Maybe Corey doesn’t want me here. I can almost feel him pushing me away, yelling at me to leave. Anytime we ever fought, it only lasted a couple of minutes before we’d erupt into laughter. We never took anything seriously. Now, I’m not sure.

I inch forward, glancing at the other headstones as I pass them. Some have rocks on them too. As I draw closer, my heart pounds, and I take a trembling breath. I rub the surface of the rock with my thumb repeatedly.

I stop and read his name and the dates on his headstone. My legs tremble.Too young.Holly berries and pine cones adorn the fresh grass before it. Beside them stands a mini pine tree decorated with red bows. I’m sure Aunt Betty put it there. If she had her way, I bet his headstone would glow like the Griswold’s house fromNational Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

I step close beside the grave and place the colorful rock on the headstone, reminding myself again of what an asshole I’ve been for not visiting. I return to the front with a lump in my throat. The weight on my heart gets heavier and pulls me to the ground. I fall to my knees on the damp grass, then sit back on my heels.

Why is this so fucking hard?

I scan the surrounding area to ensure I’m alone.

“Hey, Cor,” I mumble. Suddenly, all the words I’ve been holding back push their way out of my throat as I shatter into a million pieces. With my head in my hands, I apologize for not visiting, for not being there when he took his last breath. I tell him how much I miss him and how I’ve been stuck. Five years of sadness and anger flow out in streams, watering the grass before me.

“I know you’ve been watching me, and you’re probably disappointed in how I’ve been living. I’m sure of it because of the letter you wrote. You remember? Well, like you predicted, I’ve met a woman. She’s it for me, Cor. She’s reignited my heart. Out of all the women I’ve met since you’ve been gone, Olive’s the only one. She’s brought back my love for dancing, singing, and the desire to live.

“I wish you two could meet… But you can’t. Omigod, Corey. It fucking hurts that my two favorite people will never be in the same room together. You’ll never see how much you mean to me and how much I love Olive.” I sniff so hard it’s disgusting. Why didn’t I bring tissues?

There’s a bare patch on the ground, and I realize I’ve been pulling out pieces of grass and tossing them to the side this whole time. I smooth the area as best I can.

“Anyway, I miss you more than I can express. Maybe my snot gives it away. You’d be the one to let me walk around with a big-ass booger hanging out of my nose and not tell me. Man, you were such a dick sometimes. We both were. That’s what made us so funny. So awesome. To us anyway.

“Thanks for the letter. I’m sorry I didn’t find it sooner. I’ll keep it in a safe place now and read it often. Please watch over me, Olive, and our families. I’ll bring her here with me someday.

“And I promise, I won’t take one more day for granted. I’ll live my life to the fullest for the both of us. We miss you, Cor. I love you, man.”

I sit in silence for a moment with my eyes closed, letting the breeze ruffle my hair, the sun dry my face, and the wet ground seep through my jeans.

“Bye for now.”

I get up and head for my car, watching the ground as I walk. When I look up, I’m shocked to see Aunt Betty standing next to my car, holding flowers.

Damn!I thought I was all dried up, but the tears come back, full force. We hug tightly, mumbling and crying together. Once we let up, she hands me a pack of tissues.

She tilts her head. “You okay?”

I nod, happy that it’s the truth. “I’m getting there.”

Her face radiates love and kindness. “Good. I’m glad I came when I did. I was going to wait for your uncle Mason to get home first before I came here.”

“Um.” I clear my throat. Not sure why I’m nervous. “So when should we plan Corey’s memorial?”

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