Page 69 of Cooper

Thank god.

He understands.

At least, it feels like he does based on his much gentler than usual tone of voice.

“Dr. Saluga said when this happens, I should talk to someone about it, and you were with him when he died.”

“Technically, I wasn’t,” he says. “He died at the hospital once they took him into surgery. But I was with him before he lost consciousness.”

“Was he…scared?” I’ve never asked this before.

“No. Resigned, frustrated, but not scared. He had a lot of last-minute instructions for his mom and sister, things like that. Told me not to feel guilty, he knew what he was signing up for, it was his honor to work with us. Stuff like that.”

Nothing about me.

I already knew this, but Ifeel itfor the first time.

Just like I didn’t love him, he hadn’t loved me either.

“Do you ever feel guilty anyway?”

“Of course.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets, staring off at nothing. “I hear his voice in my head sometimes. I still picture his blood on my hands from where I was holding my shirt against the wounds. You’re not alone, Natalia.”

“I wasn’t even there!” I say in frustration. “Why does it bother me so much? We were involved but it was too soon for it to be serious, so it’s not like I lost the love of my life!”

“But you lost a friend, no?”

I pause.

I hadn’t thought of it that way.

“Yes. I did.”

“He was my friend too, probably longer than he was yours, and though we obviously weren’t sexually intimate, we were… for lack of a better term, emotionally intimate. Meaning that we went on missions together, fought side by side during several attacks, and he helped us get the country up and running at the beginning. He was important to me, so I feel his loss. Which is why I’m an asshole sometimes when it comes to training and drills. He was a U.S. Marine—so he had tons of training, skill, and physical strength. He was also brave and loyal. And it wasn’t enough. That’s why I’m over-the-top with all the things I have you guys do.”

I’d known that intellectually, but it hadn’t really hit home until now.

Now it makes more sense.

“Thank you,” I say quietly. “I needed to hear that. It’s just frustrating to feel these little twinges of panic when things happen.”

“You didn’t panic in the moment, and that’s what’s most important. Keep seeing Dr. Saluga.”

“I intend to.”

“Also, I’m no therapist, but it seems to me you feel some guilt. Not only have you moved on, but you’ve also met a great new guy, moved in with him… things that you may have done with Logan had you had more time together. He wouldn’t have wanted you to feel bad, though. And he definitely would want you to be happy.”

I smile, because I somehow know that’s true.

“Thanks.” I nod. “I feel better now.”

“All right. I have to run, but we can talk any time.”

“I appreciate that.” I turn and head for the Royal Apartment.

I’m looking forward to my shift today because Levi is in school and Casey said she wants to go shopping. She’d initially waffled on continuing with her plans for the day, but in the end, she decided to go. We’ve never had any trouble when the two of us go out alone. So far, we’ve never been recognized either. I’m in jeans and a T-shirt today to stay under the radar, and we’ll have added protection because Ace will surreptitiously tag along. He won’t be with us but shadowing us at a distance, just in case.

COOPER: Be safe today.

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