Page 14 of Cooper

“I guess we did.” I look at her. “I’m really glad you’re here, Nat.”

“I had to see you.” She sinks into the chair next to my bed. “I had to see for myself that you were okay.” She reaches out to run her hand along the scruff of my jaw.

“I need a shave,” I say absently, somewhat mesmerized by her touch. I lost myself in memories of our night together while I took those beatings, hoping Natalia’s face would be the last thing I thought of before I died. Instead, I survived and have another chance to be with her.

“The scruffy look is kind of hot,” she’s saying, smiling at me.

“How long can you stay?”

“I have about forty hours of leave left.”

“I don’t know if I’ll be out of here before then.”

“That’s okay. I don’t mind sitting with you.”

“Seghin and Passero are here too.”

“I’ll stop by and say hello later.”

“Are you hungry?”

“I could eat.”

I reach for the button to call a nurse.

Natalia scoots a chair closer to the bed and rests a hand on my leg. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks as we wait for someone to come in.

“Being tortured?” I shake my head. “Nah. I’ve been debriefed and told them everything. I don’t want to relive it.”

“Were you scared?” she asks softly.

“Yes and no. There was a part of me that was afraid, but it was more about not wanting to die than actual fear. Mostly, I was pissed. Remember those women we helped get out of Baghdad? Fatima’s husband is the one who took us. I guess someone saw us talking and he was watching, waiting for a time he could get me.”

Her eyes widen. “Oh, crap. What did he want? To know where she is?”

I nod. “Basically. And I was damned if I was going to tell him shit.” My chest tightens a little as memories of the torture come rushing back. I unconsciously dig my fingers into the sheets, trying to forget the sound of his voice. Yusef’s face. That awful little room.

“I’m sorry.” Natalia puts one of her hands over mine. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought you might want to talk.”

“Not now.” I look up as one of the nurses comes in. “Hey, Claire. Is it possible for us to get some food?”

The nurse who’s been taking care of me today nods. “Absolutely. Let me put in an order and see what we can come up with.” She bustles out and I glance over at Natalia, who seems lost in thought.

“Nat?” I wait a few seconds and then squeeze her arm. “Natalia?”

“What?” She blinks, as if she’d been a million miles away.

“You’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, honey. Seems to me you’re the one that needs to talk.”

She shakes her head. “It’s more like I need to listen, understand. I don’t know who I am anymore, Cooper.”

“How come?” I don’t know what’s going on with her but worrying about her is better than all the craziness in my own head. I don’t want to talk about what happened in Iraq because I can’t. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around it and it’s going to take time to process it all.

Focusing on someone else is a hell of a lot easier. But maybe it will make more sense to her, and to myself, if I articulate some of it.

“I’m so lost,” she whispers.

“Me too,” I say. “But one thing I know is that we have to work through these kinds of issues on our own, and at our own pace. It’s too new, too raw for me, but you’ve had time to process whatever it is that’s bothering you. So maybe it’s time for you to admit it, or at least try. It might make you feel better.”

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