Page 114 of Cooper

“This is not what you want?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Why? What are you afraid of?”

“Everything.”

“That’s not true.”

“What do you mean?”

“My oldest daughter isn’t afraid of anything. Not snakes, or fast cars, or bullets, or exploring the world. She is strong and resilient. Two months after getting shot, she went back to work. Four months after getting shot, she went on a military mission to Iraq. My Natalia is afraid ofnothing!” she finishes emphatically.

“But I am,” I whisper. “I’m afraid of losing people I love.”

“This is the cycle of life. Someday, I will die. Your father. And then, many years later, it will be your turn. Hopefully, not until you have raised many strong, wonderful children just like you.”

“I can’t even think about children,” I admit. “I can’t see beyond today. My future is literally blank.”

“Yes, of course it is. It’s a blank canvas waiting for you to paint it.”

“I thought Iwaspainting it. Then I threw the whole thing in the trash.”

“What changed?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re attached, Natalia.”

“Attached?”

“To your life. To the job. The people you work with. ToRyan. And you’ve learned there can be pain when you have attachments. But there’s also great joy. Without experiencing the pain, you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the love and happiness. Life is an adventure of ups and downs. Some people have more downs than ups—that is your father and me. But you, my lovely girl, are going to have many, many more ups than downs.”

“It doesn’t feel like that.”

“Eh, you are experiencing one of the inevitable downs. And this is maybe a growing pain. You aren’t so young anymore, but the life you’ve chosen if difficult. There will be more death, more heartache, more pain. But I foresee much more light and love and good times.”

I stare at her, wishing I could just take her at her word.

My brain understands, but my heart has other ideas.

And my soul is frozen. Filled with indecision, frustration, fear, and so many other negative emotions. Dr. Saluga would tell me to find the good things. How much I love my job. My friends. The fun we have. Like getting to go to Paris and eating dinner at the Eiffel Tower with the man I love.

That was definitely one of the ups my mother keeps talking about.

But what about him leaving without a word? My bosses keeping secrets from me? I’m sure they had good reasons, but it still hurts because I’m positive everyoneelseknew.

And until I can come to terms with that, I can’t move forward.

And I can’t go back to Hiskale.

Or to Ryan.

THIRTY-SEVEN

Cooper

It takesthree days before I can get back to Hiskale.

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