Page 107 of Cooper

Again.

I don’t know if I can keep doing this.

I’m struggling to sleep, eat, breathe.

“Natalia?” Joe is watching me intently.

“Sorry. Just thinking about Cooper.”

“I know. We’re all worried.”

“Are you mad?” I ask abruptly. “Like, his enemies found us and now we’re dealing with some of the fallout, like Marcus being on light duty. Do you resent him for bringing trouble to us?”

“No. Why would I?” He looks genuinely confused. “He didn’t do it on purpose, and he’s become my friend. He’s also become part of our Protector family. His fight is our fight.” He pauses. “Isn’t it?”

The problem is—I’m not sure.

And saying that out loud feels wrong.

“I don’t know how I feel about anything right now,” I admit. “I’m all torn up inside. And if I’m honest, I don’t know if I can keep doing…this.”

“Doing what?”

“Spending my days and nights worrying about the safety of the people I love.” I lean against the wall and close my eyes. “I’m starting to think maybe I’m not cut out for this job. This life.”

“You’re scared and stressed right now,” he says gently. “Don’t make any rash decisions. Have you talked to Dr. Saluga?”

“Not about this. It’s too raw.”

“Have you said anything to Sandor?”

“No. I have to think about my future first. With the Protectors, with Cooper, all of it.”

“You can’t do this job if you have one foot out the door, Natalia. We all depend on each other.” His eyes darken with worry.

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

“I think you need to consider taking some leave,” he says slowly.

“Leave?” I blink.

“A leave of absence.”

“Are you firing me?” I demand, my heart racing.

“No, not at all. However, you’re going to have to do some soul-searching to figure out if this is what you really want, and I don’t think you can do it while you’re working six or seven days a week. So, I’m going to take you off the schedule. Frankly, this life we chose, it’s not easy. The sacrifice is sometimes more than anyone should be willing to give up. For you, the fear, the worry, well, it’s becoming problematic. Before you take the oath, you have to be a thousand percent sure this is what you want.”

“I can’t think about anything until I know Cooper is safe,” I whisper.

He nods. “I wouldn’t expect you to. But once his situation is resolved, you have to make some difficult decisions. And you absolutely need to meet with Dr. Saluga.”

“I will.” I pull in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Joe.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. This job isn’t for everyone. You’re one of the best I’ve ever worked with, especially considering how green you were when you came to us, but there’s no shame in changing your mind. I’d rather you quit than wind up dead.”

“I can’t afford to quit.” Both financially and emotionally.

“You haven’t taken the oath—I’m sure something can be worked out considering your PTSD and anxiety issues. Both those things could prevent you from being cleared to take the oath anyway if you don’t sort them out.”

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